Lobster On My Shoulder …

April 11, 2021 ~ Sunday night (One shot in … the other vaccine shot coming! Woohoo!)

A million or so years ago – you know, somewhere between when the dinosaurs roamed the planet and now – I was in high school. A high school junior – soon to be senior, actually. The year was 1974.

And what prompts me to think of this time of my life at this time of my life? What has made me think of that particular summer and a particular incident while I am making lacy oatmeal cookies on a quiet Sunday night in April 2021?

I lifted a spoon.

No – it was not a 100 pound leaden, weighted spoon. It was not made of some super extraordinarily heavy metal/material … it was an ordinary teaspoon. A spoon from my silverware set … black resin handle and stainless steel (or so I surmise).

And what is it about this particular spoon that has me thinking about a summer 47 years ago?

My shoulder “went out”. No, not on a date or to take out the garbage … it dislocated.

Again.

It was the Summer of ’74 (quite unlike the Summer of ’42) … and I was a mere infant of 17. All tanned body, toned muscles and waist length hair. I, along with most every other 17 year old, had perky boobs and a nice ass. And, I weighed pretty much next to nothing. Let’s just say I was practically a fetus. And there I was … Captain of the Cheerleading squad … the coming year would be my fourth (being one of only a handful, in the nearly 75 year history of the school who made the team as a freshman) … all energy and pep and wool skirts (yes, even in the heat of a Chicago summer) … doing my best at practice to jump higher and cheer louder and execute a roundoff double back handspring better than Clark Kent himself – if he were a 17 year old female cheerleader doing gymnastics.

To make a long story short … I knew something was “wrong” while upside down in the air. I felt if I continued, I’d land on my neck. NOT a good thing. So, mid-flip, I bailed … and came down on my left, outstretched arm, with the sound in my ears of one sitting on a bag of potato chips. Only there were no chips. Just me. Three (or four) days later I emerged from the hospital with a 90 degree angled (heavier than hell) cast on my left arm – from fingertips to arm pit. I had shattered my wrist (potato chip bag) … dislocated my elbow and shoulder. Cracked three vertebrae and somehow managed to mess up both knees in the process as well. That was some fall!

In lieu of surgery on my wrist – the doctors set it three times. Breaking it again after each of the first two sets when it wasn’t “right”. Fun times. The third and final set was “good enough” cuz as they put it, “It’s not like you’re going to the Olympics.”

And while there, in that hospital for those three days waiting for the inflammation to subside (so swollen) and to see if the set was a good one (apparently not x2), I had an unusual “wardrobe”. Now back then, maybe they didn’t give out “gowns” but for some reason (and I’m putting all the blame and shame on my mother for this) … my mom brought me pajamas from home to wear. First off, why not bring me a tank top and some shorts? I wasn’t sick. I was just bed-bound waiting to see about this messed up arm. Secondly, she didn’t bring me pajamas as much as she brought me my “baby dolls“. Think every teenaged boy’s fantasy of sexy girls having a pillow fight – and what they might be wearing.

In my case, it was a baby pink shortie negligee type thing with a low cut, empire lace bodice (almost showing my nipples)/chiffon-poly flowing nightie that skimmed somewhere just below my shapely little 17-year-old ass! It had matching bikini panties. Did I mention it was virtually see through? Think Victoria Secret crossed with Junior Ho. Cute at home in my own bedroom … QUITE inappropriate for a hospital setting. What the hell was my mother thinking? I look back on those days … and now can’t remember but I must have had a good number of young interns checking on me! Dear god. Thanks Mom!

Anyway, lingerie trauma aside, good enough in 1974 didn’t turn out to be good enough even by 1979. I could forecast weather disturbances three days before any weatherman on TV. My wrist throbbed and hurt like crazy with any change of weather or movement. It bends back to only about a 45 degree angle … making putting my palm flat on anything (think pushing open a door or trying to do yoga) … impossible. The brain info highway in that arm is one extraordinarily gnarled traffic jam … info meant for my fingers gets lost in translation. The brain sends the message for me to wave at a person with that left hand … and instead the message received says, SLAP SELF IN FACE! If I carried a hanger or picked up an empty file folder the wrong way – that shoulder would dislocate. It always went back into place – eventually – an hour, a day, a month later. But this has been going on now for all these years. I’ve had back pain since my early twenties. My knees groaned even before I was pregnant or gained weight or tore my meniscus. One adrenaline stoked misstep and I’ve had a lifetime of … oh, my aching …

Good enough they said. Yeah, not so good enough.

And tonight, as I was making these oh-so-yummy lacy oatmeal cookies … I picked up said spoon and that damn shoulder went out again. Ridiculous. Thanks 1974 doctors! It’ll pop back in – eventually. It feels, as is apt, out of place … like it’s stuck on something. I’ll try to coax it back “in” … but sometimes that shoulder has a mind of its own and will take its sweet time.

In the meantime … I’ll eat another cookie and get into my onesie pajamas. No baby dolls for me and … no interns either!

April 4, 2021 – Easter Sunday

Hoppy Spring! From my dried raindrop spattered dining room window (boy do they need a good cleaning!), the sun is still above the tree tops … at nearly 7pm. Yay! I took my daily constitutional (walk) earlier than usual today while the sun was still high in the western sky. Once that sun drops, so does the temp and tonight is to be around 27 degrees. Too chilly for this bunny to be hopping around at twilight!

I have a lab in my back yard … a sweet guest who is not social and cannot be trusted to be with the other dog guests I have here at this time. Too bad. She’d be lovely as a one and only … but with 5 others in and out the back slider door and running through the house and taking naps on my bed … it is not an option to have her up here with us. And that hurts my heart. She is happy, though, outside most of the time. If I bring her in when she’s not ready to sleep (with the other guests tucked safely in my bedroom), she stands on her hind legs and scratches the door or windows wanting out. Odd. I’ve never had an unsocial dog here before. This is new for me. I bring her in as early/late as she’ll let me … and as has been the pattern, around 4am, she is ready to go out and camp again. So, needless to say – with her going out at 4am, I as the doorkeeper … have been up, too. I am, for pun’s sake – dog tired! I’m also not thrilled that she had dug up everything I planted this week in my 4 garden beds … or that she killed a juvenile bunny (and buried it in my garden) after jumping off my deck. (I’m thankful she didn’t break a leg as it’s a good 8′ high!). She goes home on Wednesday and I hope I have her departure date correct as I am ready.

Today was to be rainy and 37 … we got 46 and sunshine. I’ll take it. I dropped a chocolate rabbit at a friend’s earlier … she had two gray whales as guests on Friday night … singing in the sound while gulping down ghost shrimp! I wish she had called me. It would have been delightful to hear a little whale singing.

It’s been a week of yardwork and dogs and sore muscles and my first vaccine. Let the trumpets blare! The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a train! Yahoo.

Spring has sprung across this island and my first tulips are opening up … red and yellow … the parrot/fringed ones are still fat buds waiting … my daffodils are almost gone. The early fruit trees … are now almost bare … tiny green leaves replacing the white and pink blossoms. The late fruit trees and forsythia (which means “spring sunshine and anticipation”) are in full bloom. Fat branches of heavy aroma. Something, unseen to me, fragranced the air so delicately it stopped me along the way and I just had to stand and sniff. It was lovely!

By the time I get off island for my next eye appointment, the cherry trees at the University of WA will be all in leaf … their gorgeous, pink, perfumed petals will be scattered along the walkways. Too bad I’ll miss them. It’s a gorgeous sight.

Tonight’s hour walk was the same route I take almost daily … out my front gate, and fifty steps to the streetlamp … take a right and go another 2000 steps to the end of the cliff walk. I saw a handful of bunnies … none of them had baskets of chocolate, so I am assuming that none of them were THE Easter bunny. Too bad. I could have used a jelly bean or two. When I was a kid we had this big book … I mean a thin book, but large (maybe 20″ tall by 10″ wide). I wish I could find that book again. It was an Easter book and had the most beautifully illustrated drawings of all things Easter and Spring … bunnies, chicks, eggs. I don’t now remember if the image of what I think the Easter Bunny would look like comes from that book or another or my own imagination … but I picture him as a white bunny with a black top hat and cane … carrying a sizable hand basket, wearing a vest and colored, patchwork pants. Hmmm. I had plenty of antibios as a kid so I’m wondering if I was on something at the time of this image-forming!

Today I noticed a new front archway in front of the house just past my favorite Silver Poplar (the tree with glossy, deep green leaves on one side/soft, white fur on the underside that are on slender stems causing the leaves to quiver in even the slightest breeze). The new archway will look pretty when finished. As with most everything on this island … it’ll take a while to complete as “island time” doesn’t mean mai tais or coconut slushes here … it means something that should take a week will take 3 months to accomplish.

The chi-weenie further down, Melvin or Morris or some M name, who is a yapper … was not out today. All was blissfully quiet on the western front. A deer walked through the meadow – completely ignoring me. I came to where the empty lot is (I think that area is sinking!) and looked out over the water – deep, deep blue today and a few white caps – no whales, no birds, no boats – just bright, shining snow-capped mountains beyond and the little beachfront area of town bathed in sunlight below the cliff – all looking so picturesque on a lazy Sunday afternoon. The tide was really far out … sandbars were visible that I haven’t seen before. The gentleman at the end and I chatted – he pointed them out to me. Crazy what you miss if you aren’t “looking”.

On my way back home, I was looking in the gulley area … the ditch alongside the road. And that’s when I saw my first one. The rushes are up! Horizontally striped, brown and green, rather penile looking (Mom Nature can be so graphic!) … there one stood … in the grass alongside the ditch. Now, normally, one wouldn’t even notice this 3″ beauty but I’ve been looking for these things for 2 months now … and today, there it was. I continued on and saw another … and then two more … and then a cluster of 20! As I got closer to the marshy area where the last of the skunk weed was still putrefying the air (omg – so pretty but so stinky!) I saw the little heads of the rushes peeping up … hundreds of them! Yay! They are here! I’m not sure how much longer the skunk weed will be flowering but … seriously, so bad. All last week whenever I’d walk past, I’d hasten my pace and hold my breath as much as I could until I was past that stretch. It was so bad I could taste it. Yuck.

Anyway – in the week to come I’ll be watching those rushes unfurl their top flowers and become some character out of a Dr. Seuss book … all Grinchy green and fuzzle-wuzzly.

I came home, got some water, checked on the furry ones and went back out on the second half of my walk … down the street, around the cul de sac near the corner into town … through the woods. The tall, tall trees stand at the end of the road before you turn to town … all piney and dark. The pinecones have fallen and the trail was littered with them. They haven’t been pulverized yet by footsteps so instead of looking at the holly bushes that tower over my head or the ferns and fauna … I watch my footing. The cones cover the root knobs and I’m not in the mood for a face plant. One hundred and twenty paces later I’m out at the road, take a left to that light post and another left back onto the street towards home. In the waning sunshine my shadow walks ahead of me – looming vastly taller than I am. I am hoping that somehow the sunlight has distorted my width but I’m pretty sure the girth is all mine! I tell my fat shadow to keep at it!

Once home I turn on the radio … set to the local news station … and turn it off after a minute. I’ve been removing myself from the news as much as possible. I’ve had enough political strife to last two lifetimes. But, when I do watch or listen to one, why am I not (that) surprised to hear that the idiocy is still going on? Another lunatic/more officers injured and dead. More assaults on Asians. More this or that. Laws to restrict voting. People thinking mask wearing is political. What is wrong with our society? And, why can’t our elected officials (both sides) just do their damn jobs … without breaking the law, without paying (underage) women for sex, without causing harm or “joking” about racism, hacking into an opponent’s emails or calling for executions of people who are not like-minded? When did this all become so … normal?

I should have left the radio off. I’ll play some music instead. One newsletter that I subscribe to had squid music this week … maybe I can find one with whales singing. I think if the rushes heard them … they’d grow faster.

Have a nice night!

March 23, 2021 … early Tuesday

It’s nearly 3 am … I’m allergic to the chihuahua on the pillow next to mine and scenes of Columbine are swirling in my head. I’m having PTSD flashes and the night is not going well.

Again.

We have had another mass shooting – and again, in Colorado. My heart is heavy and I am sickened again by the senseless and horrific violence that one person can bring on other humans.

Why?

This is so beyond my realm of understanding.

I’ve lived in both the Chicago area and the Denver area. Both places will forever be home to me. And when something happens in CO … it’s home territory and it’s exceptionally upsetting. I know people there. My kids know people there. I have family there – related or not. Is everyone that we know safe? How many people are up tonight, in complete anguish, because their answer is NO?

Twenty two years ago, on a peaceful April morning, two high school students who had concocted a plan to kill as many as possible at school – brought an end to 13 others and themselves after their rampage. As in a playground stand off, I want to point at them and shout, “They started it!”

I don’t remember mass shootings before Columbine. I can’t forget the ones after.

Still. Another. Again.

We think 15 lives were lost that day … but how many really were affected? How many MILLIONS remember that day? How many of those surviving students and faculty, now so many years later, go into panic mode if they burn something on their stove and the smoke alarm goes off? How many of them can’t go into a library or a cafeteria? How many family members and friends … neighbors, schoolmates and staff, community and team members and absolute strangers still think of those that lost their lives that day?

I know I do. And I, so naively, thought it would never happen again. And then it did. And it did again. And again. And then the Aurora movie theater killings happened and five months later it was Sandy Hook and six year olds were gunned down in their classrooms. SIX YEAR OLDS. I thought surely things would change then.

Surely our politicians would be brought to their knees knowing such innocence was slaughtered. Laws would be made. Things would change.

But they didn’t. It happened again. And again. And AGAIN. And then some upset teen shot up my kids’ high school, leaving one girl dead. Both of my kids had graduated by then – but we knew staff and students in the building that day. My kids lamented that the shooter came through the doors they used to go meet the Cross Country team. It was personal to them.

All of these shootings are personal to most of us. If you’re a decent human being – how can you NOT be affected? How can you not think – There by the grace of god … 

There have been 229 mass shootings at schools, in the US, since Columbine. How many more have happened in places of work and worship, post offices, stores, restaurants, music venues, theaters and nightclubs … and now in a grocery store?

This is the second mass shooting in a week. A WEEK!

I have little faith that gun control will ever be a reality in this country. I’m all for protecting yourself – but no one … NO ONE … needs an assault rifle.

Something needs to be done. This isn’t okay. This can’t be our norm. What is it going to take so that this doesn’t happen … AGAIN?

March 12, 2021 ~ Friday (Covid has claimed 532,000 American lives, vaccines are forthcoming, Spring is in the air)

After a year of feeling like everyday was Sunday … today felt like Saturday. Except it was Friday. I am so messed up with my days! Not working/no real routine/Covid isolation and restrictions … all have caused me to live a life of deja vu … wherein every day feels like it’s the same … and most like a Sunday. Weird – even for me. Every once in a while I’ll get the day right – but I have to think about it first! I don’t know why it felt like Saturday today … but it did. Well, bully for me – I have an extra day this week!

For the past (2 to 3) weeks the signs of Spring have been becoming apparent. Early, even for us, but oh-so welcome. While Denver is hunkering down for a possible historic snowstorm this weekend … I’m charging my battery to finish up weed whacking my yard. It’s already been mown and edged. I can’t imagine having feet of snow to contend with. Though – never could. My daughter is a winter gal … I find it rather barbaric.

I’ve been walking for the past 6 weeks. I’m counting steps and miles … just under 250,000 steps and a bit over 110 miles. What my son managed to do in 29 hours running an ultramarathon, I did in 38 days. Kind of makes my self-given pats on the back seem kind of silly in comparison! And one would think with all the endorphins floating around this ol’ body, I’d be happier/have some pep in my step/feel better/look better and maybe – just maybe – have lost a few ounces.

NOPE. Nothing. I’m still winter-island grumpy. I’m exhausted. I still look like Winston Churchill on a bad day and have no pep in my 7000+ per day steps. And not one damn ounce has gone by the wayside. But, I have been enjoying the emergence of a new season and watching each day’s new arrivals … critter or floral.

I usually walk along the cliff road. This week I’ve seen 7 eagles! Four of them flew over my car as I drove up island the other day … it made me feel like one of those people that have an encounter with a UFO. One minute I’m driving and the next there are four huge birds flying over my car. In an instant they were gone into the trees and I was left driving with my mouth open, staring at the sky (not the road). Did I really see that? My dad would have loved the dinner table “story problem” opportunity … if you are traveling northbound at 62 mph and 4 eagles cross your path flying westward at an eagle’s rate of 80 mph (they actually fly 75-99 mph) at what time will a train from Chicago arrive in New York City?

Today I missed seeing a whale by 7 minutes. I was walking down the road and saw the gentleman who lives at the last house before the estate at the end. He’s usually sitting out with his doodle-poodle and we chit chat – your usual stuff … Nice day. Gorgeous view. Glassine water today. Look at those mountains! Omg – it’s so nice to have the sun out. Blah blah blah. This afternoon as I neared his home he was standing at the edge looking out towards the water and told me I missed a breach. Dammit. I’ve been here nearly 7 years and have yet to see ONE whale! I am reminded again, it’s all about the timing.

Our neighborhood is overrun with rabbits. I’ve mentioned this before. Domestics are the beautiful cinnamon, black, or white ones and there are your usual wild bunnies, too. The domestics are due to a long-ago 4-H event run amok. Today the robins were out peeping about … I love when they hop around. They are so cheerful. If I’m out at twilight I love to listen to them peeping their good-nights. I’ve been walking earlier these days and I am missing that … along with the lilac and cobalt evening skies.

It doesn’t feel like Spring yet … it’s been too cold. Mid 40s are too cold for Spring temps. On today’s walk I wasn’t dressed for the cold and was not as comfortable as I could have been. Spring? Already? No! Yet, here we are. For weeks the trees have been teasing explosions of blooms. Their buds are big and fat. A few trees were ready mid-Feb … which was crazy early. Those trees, having one branch of flowers, made me think that they were mostly dead and this was their last hurrah! But, no … they are now filling out. Ornamental plums seemed to be the earliest … some apples and pears are already following … cherries and fruit plums, too. My dwarf daffs are up and open … my crocuses (croci?) are nearly gone … purple and striated ones … so pretty against the green grass. The raspberry vines and rose bushes are already showing leaf buds … tight and deep crimson … they’ll open up soon. My violets are blooming. They encircle a stone frog I have under my birdfeeder and hanging fern hook. The rabbits will get them soon.

Primroses and some snaps are in bloom … the tulips will be another while. I’ve been watching the grasses at the side of the ditch on my walk … they are about a foot tall now. By mid summer they’ll be 10-12 feet and tower over everything and keep us from the blackberry hedge just beyond them. I’m keeping an eye out for the zebra stalks … I have no idea what they are but they start as striped shoots/stick straight coming out of the ditches … about 8″ high … and then they slowly unfurl and open up … very Grinchy hair looking. They’re not very exciting in the summer … they look like ordinary grasses … but as they grow and open they put on quite the show!

I live in an area of old growth. The trees are giants and old. The island was once all forest … and areas were clear cut for homes and towns. There are still many stands of pines and deep woods … along with vast meadows and fields. I wish I liked it better because it really is a beautiful place.

Along the cliff walk there are 10 huge, old cedars set 15 feet apart from the next … all lined up along the roadway. I think it would take 3 people to hold hands to encircle each one. They are stunning with their rough, linearly grooved bark and heady scent. Near that stand is a madrona. It’s a gorgeous tree. Huge with a twisted trunk and widespread branches … the bark a swirl of burgundy and mustard. The silver poplar further along is massive. In the summer the leaves twirl and flutter on tiny stems … one side of the leaf a deep, glossy green/the other velvety and white. There is a enormous oak even further down … Pollyanna would have loved to have climbed this one. Whenever I move I will miss those trees.

It’s been a fabulous week. We don’t get sunshine a lot or many days in a row at this time of year and the views across the Sound have been wildly beautiful. We didn’t just have sunshine, we had crystal clear skies … no haziness … and the white-capped peaks of the Cascades looked like the Alps. No photos did them justice. I wished my daughter were here, she would have lost her mind looking at them!

Along with sunshine and blue skies come blue waters. The Sound was mostly mirror-finish this week … smooth and nary a ripple along that surface. Baby blue skies and water changed to deeper blues and cobalt as the sun set. It was astounding.

I trimmed the wisteria this week. It grows along my back fence line … and when it blooms I have 50′ of blossoms so fragrant I can’t mow the lawn without getting a headache! Last year that vine bloomed 3 times! I can’t wait to see what it does this year. I’ll endure as many headaches as it takes. There is a flowering quince along that fence, too … I’m thankful for my neighbor’s plantings as they spill over to my yard. I wanted a small yard with mature plantings and trees … I got a huge yard with 2 trees and a clean slate. The upside of being here for nearly 7 years is that my gardens took 5 years to mature and I can now enjoy them! And while I have one enormous pine and one enormous dinner-plate maple … I miss the old oak forest from Illinois and the 22 blue spruce from our yard in CO.

There are 5 dogs here tonight and through the weekend, snuggle buddies … I’m still waiting my turn for the vaccine … daylight savings is in two days (can’t wait) … and it’s my witching hour. I’m off to sip some brandy and read a bit before turning in … and waking up to another Saturday. Lucky me.

I’m reminded and grateful that I get just another day …

February 25, 2021 ~ Thursday (Vaccines available … Covid still raging)

It’s a gray, leaky day up here in the NW. It matches my mood. If you do not know me or have not read some of my writing, I am a passionate person. I’m deeply sensitive (maybe too much at times) … and hence, “things” bother me. Sometimes greatly. I’ve been feeling gray and leaky for a few days now … after a few months and after almost a whole year of feeling that way. The NW rains and gray skies do not help with any of this. But … here we are and it would be remiss of me not to mention this week’s milestone.

A year ago I was two weeks out from flying off to CO to see family/my mom/friends … and then leap-frogging to NC to nose around and “find my spot”. I’d already packed up over 100 boxes since that new year (2020) began in hopes that moving would be sooner than later. I was ready to find a place to move to … to call my new home. Nothing was gonna stop me.

Until … it did. Covid-19. I was town/house hunting in northern NC when the news of this new virus went, um – for lack of better description, viral. WA state was having an abundance of cases (something like 20) – in nursing homes – but there were grumblings of closing the state’s borders/airport … keeping everyone in or out … and I felt an urgency to get home before any of that happened. It felt far-fetched, but I wasn’t going to chance it.

So, I canceled my plans, changed my flight and flew back home mid-March. And I’ve been on this rock ever since. I’ve seen my kids. I’ve eaten a frozen dinner solo for TG. I have face timed and zoomed and Portaled … but it’s not the same as being with someone else. I am craving human contact! I know so many of us are. I’ve eaten out with a friend – sitting outside – freezing our butts off – paying stupid prices for a cold lunch in the cold air on a cold seat – hoping all the time that the person 6 feet from me wasn’t sharing any cooties. I didn’t do it again. I got in an argument with an assh*le at the pizza window – he was carrying his mask. It’s a town mandate to WEAR one (not carry one). That and the cold lunch have been the only things I’ve gotten from restaurants (other than drive thru when I’m on the mainland) in almost a year. I hate to say that because I’d love to support them … but, I’m not taking chances … and honestly, their food has never been worth the price (except for the pizza) … Covid or not.

Last spring I was obsessed with Covid. As in OBSESSED with the daily tallies. I kept a log … the Corona Chronicles … and kept tabs on the cases and new death totals around the globe. At the end of January there were 6 cases in the US … at the end of February, there were 68 cases and 1 death. March exploded with 207,000 cases and over 4800 deaths. I quit keeping tabs on things sometime in April. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too sad … too terrifying. And I know I wasn’t the only one who was thinking … Am I next?

Thankfully, our family has been very fortunate. So many others have not.

This past Monday, February 22, 2021 … we reached that horrific and unbelievable milestone of 500,000 dead in the US from Covid-19. In less than a year we lost more than all the US lives lost in WWI, WWII and Vietnam – combined. Most of us don’t know what 500,000 of anything looks like. It’s a hard concept to grasp. I know what 1 person looks like – the space that person takes up … but half a million bodies?

If you were to stack 500,000 humans, head to toe, that line would reach from the Earth to the moon. And BACK again. Even that is hard to fathom as not many of us know how far away the moon is.

The US is roughly 3000 miles from the east to the west coasts. Roughly. A mile is 5280 feet. Taking the average person (male and female combined) = 5’6″. Let’s, for ease, say the average is 6 feet. If we were to lay out 500,000 people, head to toe, from coast to coast … we’d have to do it 2,640,000 times … 2 MILLION, 640 THOUSAND times. Statistically that is staggering.

But even that is hard to get a handle on. Let’s say we drove that distance … driving 1000 miles a day … it would take a person 3 days to drive from coast to coast. In order to make that trip 2,640,000 times – one would need to drive 17 hours each day for 7,920,000 days. Or, broken down into years … roughly 21,700 YEARS. Taking into account that rounding up, the average American lives 80 years … that would be just about 272 lifetimes. Horrific.

But if you take the math elements out of the equation … we are talking about PEOPLE. Cherished loved ones … brothers and wives and husbands and parents … best friends and sisters and favorite aunts … beloved grandparents. And sweet, innocent children. Lives lost – cut short. Agony. Fear. Loneliness. Despair … for so many. The loss is unfathomable. It is too, too much to bear. I am not the only one who has a heavy heart with this gruesome reality.

I thought of typing out 500,000 “hugs and kisses” (x and o) … but realized that would take me days to do. So, here are a few …

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo … that’s just 500. Now, I can cut and paste or duplicate that another 1000 times … or we can simply realize that is a huge number. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous.

I know some of you who are reading this have lost a dear friend, a parent, a brother or someone dear to you … my heart is with you and I am so sorry. It is and has been so devastatingly awful for so many families. Losing a loved one is never an easy thing. But this all has seemed so unnecessary. So cruel.

But, along with the pain that this virus has inflicted … we cannot forget WHY this happened … and must make sure this never happens again (as much as we are able).

The ineptitude of this country’s past leadership was largely at fault. This never should have been politicized. Never – ever. But, also, the American people need to take some responsibility for their actions and for these horrific numbers … and for those that continue to get infected and get sick … and those that succumb to this virus. I know I’m singing to the choir here – but it is through us, our voices, if we keep saying, “Mask up! Be physically distant! Wash your hands!” … and DO those things … and have some common sense so that maybe someone will also do those things that they might not otherwise. I hope. Because this virus is still raging. And we all know that some idiot politicians will say it’s okay to lift the restrictions and unmask way before it is safe and socially conscionable to do so.

The vaccine is getting into the arms of many of us … (my 92 year old mom among them) but for many, WAY too many, it is already too late. It’s a horrible thing – this virus … and the mutations that keep occurring. I keep thinking of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I hear about the mutations. I wish it were as simple as pizza-eating, crime-fighting reptiles. But it’s not. It’s not funny. And, I find it downright scary.

I hate this time in our lives. And even though I have not been THAT impacted … (I can’t travel and see my mom/kids/family/friends … oh, woe is me. Such awfulness! Hardly!) … it’s put a crimp in my lifestyle and my attitude in general. Yeah – my income has been impacted – but I’m okay. I don’t have any worries of homelessness or food or job insecurities and all the angst that go hand in hand with those issues and others. I am so, so fortunate.

As are most of us.

Except there is that heartache … from knowing someone who lost their life or a loved one to this very ghastly disease or just hearing the continual climbing numbers of deaths over the months of this past year. We all feel it. Some more than others. But, we all feel it.

500,000 Americans have lost their lives in less than a year. How many more? Where will the numbers stop? WHEN will the numbers stop?

I know we are all so very exhausted with how “things” are – still. But, we need to keep going along … be patient a little longer. The tide is turning.

In the meantime … Mask up! Be physically distant! Wash your hands! Be safe! Get the vaccine when you can. Any vaccine is better than no vaccine. Get it.

Look out for yourself. Look out for each other. Let love and kindness and science lead us through this gruesome reality.

February 9, 2021 ~ Tuesday (Covid still raging, vaccines slowly finding their ways into the arms of Americans, former President Trump’s second impeachment trial begins)

Today was a day unlike any other day that I’ve had in my life.

I need to back pedal a bit when I say that, reassure everyone that all is well (w/me personally) and that today was like ANY other day in my life – pretty much – except for one thing.

Today it was sunny (shocking!). I walked to town and had a piss-poor quiche lunch (not good/pricey/this new place will be gone in 6 months). I touched up the paint on my walls and trim throughout the main floor of my house. I wrestled a baby lambchop from the jaws of the poodlette that is a guest.

Oh yeah … and I witnessed the death of the Republican party.

Let’s face it – it’s been ill and ailing for a long time. But I kept thinking that people (of that party) would “come to their senses” and bring it back to life. That the Trumpism voodoo magic Kool-Aid they’ve all partaken of would wear off … that they (collectively) would have the sense, decency, brains, and conscience to say they were led astray … that the President had lied to them and the American people for so long that they just started to believe everything as the truth … that they were wrong … that there was no fraud … that the election was not stolen … that the former President is an unstable and dangerous man and that he incited violence on the Capitol and those inside before he left office. In other words – address the elephant in the room. Few did. TOO FEW did.

The elephant is insurrection … The Big Lie … believing what is not true … inciting violence when their way is not the way.

My dad was a staunch Republican for most of his lifetime. Pretty much all of his lifetime. I’m actually not sure if he EVER veered from the party – maybe voting an Independent once or twice – but a Democrat? I’m just not sure he could do that. However, if he were alive today I can guarantee you he’d quit the party. Because the remaining “real” Republicans from what used to be the Grand Old Party are few. Today’s GOP looks like a 70’s cross dresser in a rain storm … mussed up, make up running, fishnets torn, hair matted … equal parts morally bankrupt ass-kissers, conspiracy theorists, White Supremacists, QAnon believers, and anyone else with a rage issue and a gun.

I watched the first hour of the (second) impeachment trial of our former President. And was stunned to hear of the vote (56-44) to continue on. The question at hand was … was it Constitutional to try a former President once he had left office? According to the former Senate majority leader – they wanted to wait to try Trump after the inauguration date – once he left office. Once that came and went – they then said it was unconstitutional to try a former President once he left office. What? So much blather!

It was, to me, sickening to realize what I was watching … people unrelenting in their support of a lying lunatic … unable to even vote that this trial was constitutional after it was so very obviously shown that it was. A fourth grader with minimal knowledge of anything about how this country is run would know that it’s Constitutional. I don’t know the numbers but how many of them are or were lawyers? They KNOW THIS STUFF! They know what is right and true. So why vote against it? Are they all so busy kissing Trump’s ass trying to save their own? Or … what? If they are unwilling to vote even for this – FACT – what hope does anyone have that they will abandon their devotion to the former #45 – ever?

Most of those congressional members were on the Capitol grounds the day of the riot. Many were hiding under desks … wondering if the mob would storm through the doors to where they were … phoning loved ones and saying their good-byes. They watched on their phones as Trump incited the mob, telling them to FIGHT! Then, when the mob was inside the building, saying the Vice-President did not do his job, the mob’s ire grew and they shouted for his hanging. Later, hours later, the President told the insurrectionists that he loved them and that they were special. I’m fairly sure that all who have watched the tapes of that day – federal workers, police, laymen – felt relief when no congressional leaders were injured or killed. It could have been so much worse than it was. And that is not saying anything lightly with 7 dead and over 140 police wounded/injured – some extremely severely.

How on Earth could those Republican leaders watch those videos of Trump spewing his lies and directives and not think that this was an impeachable offense? That will be determined later. But, how could they sit there and not feel a twinge of remorse, duty or conscience to do what they have to know is true and right? How could they vote to not continue this trial … giving full reign to anyone (in the future) to commit horrible offenses – and have NO consequences once they left office? How could they, but for their own gain, rewrite the Constitution? They said that the trial was too soon. Then they said it was too late. Nothing made sense. And those watching were left with a pit in their stomachs, I’m sure … just as I was.

I found it pathetic, nauseating, truly disgusting and disheartening. No backbones. No consciences. No logic. No value of truth and reason. No regard for the law or life – or apparently each other. No standing by and protecting our Constitution as it was written almost 234 years ago – as they all swore to do.

I’m so tired of it all. There is no talking logic or truth to someone who has decided not to listen. There is no showing evidence to someone who is turning a blind eye. I have never had a problem with the Republican party … but I have problems with those who call themselves Republicans but truly are not. I have problems with people who are against America and all that it stands for and all that it could be. They have let the worms of untruth and conspiracy, greed and contempt eat away at what was remaining … those maggots of ugliness, violence, hatred and disregard emerged today … surfacing with each nay vote.

For all of us who watched, with horror, the unfolding of events on January 6th – those images and that soundtrack are etched into our souls. People say it’s a day to remember. Like today … when the Republican party died in front of our eyes.

As for me – it’s less of a day to remember and more of a day not to forget.

February 3, 2021 – early Wednesday (Groundhog Day, Covid raging: 447,000 US dead)

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I should be in bed. It’s nearly 1am and my brain is on over-drive … and singing rodent ditties … not conducive to sleeping or even drifting off to dreamland. So, maybe this will help.

I was in bed – trying my best to summon Mr. Sandman and then the song started in my head (the one sung by The Chordettes … Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream…) … that was replaced by the woodchuck ditty and well, that was the last straw. So, I got up and started researching woodchucks. And, according to some wildlife guy – if a woodchuck could chuck wood – it would be roughly 700 lbs. Who knew?

I’m up and very chilly because my thermostat is set to go down to 63 at 11pm … so, the house has had a few hours to cool down. It reminds me of our trip to Copenhagen, the Christmas of 2007.

Sam and I met up with Ted. We were coming from the States … he, from Turkey where he was working. We met in Copenhagen because, well … Turkey isn’t exactly a Christmas hot spot. We had a wonderful trip … I remember vividly those canals – lit by torch light – sparkling like bronze ribbons of glitter. My! They were gorgeous! And boy, was it COLD! As a last minute thought I threw in silk long-johns and my furry boots. I’m pretty sure I wore them all the time. Thank goodness for last minute decisions; I surely would have frozen to death!

While there – we saw such great museums and walked everywhere. One day we visited a hotel bar that had a 20 foot ceiling (or higher) … it was small and intimate with dark paneled walls, booths with candles and a grand piano in the middle of the room with a pine tree, hanging upside down from the ceiling, holding 1000 glass ornaments. It was breathtaking. We ordered hot toddies or laced coffees as we were so cold! We were going to go to an ice bar (one of those places made completely of ice) … but decided that we were already practically frozen solid and needed the comfort and warmth of our hotel room, instead. If you have a chance to go – go at Christmas time. It’s enchanting.

Tonight I was reading about Leatherback turtles in Trinidad. I’m a turtle lover from way back and it was astounding to me to learn that one in a thousand of those baby turtles ever survive. Damn! Horrible stats! I had no idea. We had box turtles when I was a kid. We’d be on vacation and my dad would pull over the Ford Falcon station wagon (no seat belts) and go run back for a turtle he saw on the road. We acquired Penny and Hardy that way. We had 5 of them … and they had full run (so to speak) of the house. They must have loved our two-tone green shag carpeting! We’d gather them in the bathtub to eat worms or raw hamburger. They loved berries, lettuce and cantaloupe the most. Their digestive systems were pretty fast and we’d leave them in the tub to “do their thing” and lift them out and clean them and the tub the next morning. We had shallow bowls of water that they drank from … and they’d line up at the base of the fridge – where the warm air blew out – for warmth, any time of year. When I was a kid, I hate to admit this – I made a “turtle face”. I can still do it. (I’m hoping I don’t have any permanent wrinkling from those days). I think it drove my sister crazy.

It was 70 degrees in Denver today … my daughter was at the zoo watching lions eat “rabbit popsicles” (so described to her by the zookeeper). Ugh. I saw the video. Let’s just say I would have loved being in the zoo, in early Feb, in 70 degree weather – but I’m not one for animals eating each other. I can’t even watch the Nat Geo channel.

It was 70 degrees there and it was 44 here … rainy, gray and just so wet. Saturation has set in. Actually, it set in a while ago … the white picket fence that I repainted in 2019 and power washed 4 months ago is now light green. My gutters are sprouting trees and my roof is going to look like a thatched cottage by Spring. The limbs on every tree are fuzzed over with moss and everything growing is a varying shade of green … spring, emerald, fern or parakeet … lime, basil, pear or chartreuse …

I am challenging myself to a 28 day walkabout … and am glad I didn’t choose March, which has 3 more days in it than this month. At least now, I’m glad. I’m hoping this becomes a habit once I turn my calendar page to the third month. We’ll see. Anyway, it’s about 4500 steps/2 miles and since I’m a slow-go and always looking out for deer and whatnot it takes me a good 40 minutes. Today I started off from home and walked west – along the cliff road towards the road that leads into town. I stopped to take a picture of one of the old, gnarled apple trees along the way – limbs bare and mossy … branches loaded with lichen. (I’m lichen it!) I get to the end of the road and turn back/taking in a small cul de sac before coming back out to the cliff road and past my street and continue on down to the where the cliff road dead ends. It used to go through but Mom Nature swept a good chunk of the hillside away and took the road with it. By the time I got to the end of the cliff walk and turned around back on my way home, the sky was turning from the blue-gray of the day to a light lilac … further along it turned periwinkle … and I watched the edges get darker until it was nearly cobalt by the time I walked back through my gate. I’ve been watching the skies more lately – they fill me with joy and awe. Mom Nature sure is marvelous.

And that brings me to NC/SC/GA … via thinking of Mom Nature … and ultimately climate change. It’s still snowing in the midwest (two feet and counting) and a nor’easter has brought similar amounts to areas along the east coast/mid Atlantic states. I wouldn’t mind a snow-globe snowfall … one of those glitter snows that dust things and sparkle like crazy and melt once the sun comes out. We haven’t had snow in two years here … not that I want any … but it sounds nice – as long as I don’t have to go anywhere in it. But only that soft, pretty, sparkly sugar snow. The rest everyone else can keep and deal with. I grew up in the Chicago area/lived in Denver for 34 years and endured some three to four foot snowfalls. No thanks. Been there, done that.

But, I think of NC/SC/GA … and all this extreme weather also means HOT summers. I want more warmth than what is usually up my way (I do not consider 70 degrees or even 75 degrees summer temps!) … but I certainly do not want 90 degrees from May through October. So, I’m going to have to continue my research taking climate also into consideration and have that as one of my priorities when making my decision about where to move. Still hoping that happens before the end of this year. Again – we shall see!

I am getting dogs this week … a few daytimers and good ol’ Sadie – my semi-resident golden who will be with me for a couple of months. The more dogs the merrier and my life feels better – as does my heart – with more furry bodies to take care of. Bea is getting to be an old hat with this doggy daycare stuff!

And in saying that idiom … it makes me, again, so aware at how uneducated Americans – in general/on a whole – are when it comes to language. Most of us speak one language (and some have not exactly mastered the one!) … and I think how difficult it would be to learn English. We have idioms coming out of our ears! I’m not pulling your leg or pulling the wool over your eyes with saying this! And, the spelling inconsistencies! Damn/dam … it would/wood be/bee so/sew hard … which/witch one/won to choose/chews?

In any case … I am thinking my Advil PM is kicking in and I need to get to bed before I snuggle on the carpet in the hallway on my way to my room! I started my day cursing the world’s cutest rodent this morning for predicting six more weeks of winter. I guess I can’t be too upset that he’s a lousy weather predictor … after all, he’s a ground hog! I watched his exploits from this morning … and then tonight I watched Groundhog Day. It felt only fitting. I needed a good laugh … and got several.

I am off to bed. I’ll snuggle with Bea while thinking of sea turtles and a fat weather forecasting woodchuck. How much sleep could a tired gal get if a tired gal could get sleep?

January 14, 2021 – Thursday (still covid, still Trump era, blah blah blah)

You know the saying … that someone is “in the dark”? Well, that’s been me – figuratively and literally.

Last night I was under my covers, flashlight in hand, reading – like some 8 year old sneaking pages of Charlotte’s Web after bedtime. I didn’t last long … restlessness overtook me and Advil pm helped put me to sleep. Power outage 30-something since being on this island – maybe more – sent me to bed at 7:15 pm dressed as if I’d put on everything in my closest. If I had rolled off the bed – I wouldn’t have felt a thing!

After 28 or so hours of being in the dark (and cold), this morning I woke to the hum of the furnace – ahh, blissful warmth. I am so spoiled. The last I checked before climbing into bed for the 8th time last night, the thermostat read 54 degrees. When I checked this morning it was a warming 58; otherwise known as a nice, balmy day in June around here – but in the house, all day, in January? A tad on the chilly side. I scampered back to bed and grabbed the dog, for extra coziness, for another hour while the house warmed up.

Today’s hot shower was more than warranted and appreciated. I am such a wimp! Anyway – power is on! Yahoo! I warmed up and purged my fridge at the same time. And here I am … oh, computer … how I missed you!

I also missed watching TV yesterday and all the political things that were going on – an historic day in our country. A second impeachment for Trump. Who would have guessed? (Just about everyone.) And thank you people of reason and sanity in our government who voted for it … and those that didn’t? How is that even possible? This is not a partisan thing. This is a vote to do something good and protective for this country. Disgusting. Where the hell is your conscience? Where is your integrity? What were you thinking???

Every few hours I’d sit in my car and blast the radio and heat, recharge my phone and catch up on things while I thawed out a bit. Radio is good. TV is better. Cars with heat and a recharger … fabulous.

And as I sat there listening, I was again – in the dark – about what the Senate was doing. I am not understanding why a vote was not taken today or for that matter, why Trump wasn’t ousted by Pence before 8am last Thursday. In my opinion Mitch McConnell is a damn coward. He said there isn’t enough time to call Senators to session and vote. I beg to disagree. If someone wants to get something done – they make it happen … come hell or high water or anything else. He is pathetic. Get it done, Mitch. You weenie. (Pence is just as much a weenie, too. All this brings out my 9 year old playground self. Disturbing.)

I browsed through FB the other day … after the siege on the Capitol (which gets scarier every day as they release more info) … and came upon a post from a long-time friend – hailing our disgusting President for all his “goodness and virtue”. I didn’t get through it. I was stunned and sickened. After what happened on the 6th … this is posted? REALLY? Again, I was in the dark about her beliefs. I guess I chose to ignore things as the years went by … or maybe things didn’t “come up” in those xmas cards and short emails. I’ve said before that I’ve lost friends over this political administration … and, well, there goes another one. It saddens me. I can overlook some things but to post THAT? Can’t do it. I just don’t understand how anyone can think he’s so great (or even a decent human) after all this time and especially after last week’s incitement. And it took him a WEEK to say anything to his supporters about violence not being a good thing – and was it enough? I’m not going to get into it – it’s disgusting and disturbing and we’ll all be watching it all week.

But, it all has made me review a few other friendships/associations and those I will also be walking back on a bit. The thing that I hate about this President the most is that he’s made me HATE. And I HATE that! But all of this has also opened my eyes to some things and made me more aware so I’m no longer in the dark about some people or their beliefs. I’m not going to change anyone. I’m just so deeply saddened and disappointed that those are their views. That our alignment is so off. We are off in different universes when it comes to certain things. And, I find that profoundly sad and just something I can no longer ignore.

But, life is short – so, I need to find the goodness and light and play with those that bring that to my life. I don’t need anymore disappointment or angst. None of us do.

I have been thinking a lot about my dad lately. Gone now 28 months. I don’t know what sparked my thinking last night – maybe wondering what a staunch Republican would say about all this recent awfulness or if I had ever sat out a power outage with him? I don’t know what it was … but it got me thinking of all the things he’d seen/experienced in his lifetime of 90 years. He wasn’t great at words or writing … how do(due) you(ewe) know(no) which(witch) one(won) word to(two/too) choose (chews)? Right(write)? But give him a math problem or anything mechanical to figure out … he was your guy. I think I fell asleep thinking about our dinner table talk when I was a kid … as he’d always give us a math problem or riddle to figure out. I’m not sure I loved or hated them … but I always tried to get the answer. As dad-goofy or complex as they were, it was his way of connecting and enlightening (though that insight didn’t come until years later).

So, here I am … looking forward, a lighter address book, a lighter (but saddened) soul, happy to be warm and cozy and no longer in the dark.

January 7, 2021 – Thursday (day after the insurrection/coup attempt at our nation’s Capitol)

Unsettled.

My daughter emailed me that last night. That’s how she felt. I couldn’t have agreed with her more. I think a lot of us felt that way. I hope a lot of us felt that way. What happened yesterday was horrifying and disgusting and disgraceful. And in my opinion, anyone still supporting Trump’s false claims of a stolen election is just as culpable as he is for what transpired yesterday in D.C. (and at other locations around the country). I find the whole thing tragic and disturbing.

Today I don’t feel much better. Not a great night’s sleep … not even an iced tea at my elbow and a lasagna in the oven seem to help quell that bile that wants to rise in me. I don’t do well with conflict. I am a rule follower. I don’t like gray areas. I know what is right and wrong. And what happened yesterday, on so many levels, was so wrong. SO wrong.

But, I need to back up from the chaos of yesterday and my jittery nerves of today. I think a deep, calming breath would do us all good. In through the nose, hold, and out. If I do that another 200-300 times, maybe I’ll feel a bit more at peace. Maybe.

I tend to freak myself out. I don’t want to say I’m psychic (I can hardly spell the word) but I’m a forecaster … and even that’s not right. This is how it is: a name or something will pop in my head and another week or so will go by and whatever I was thinking about comes about or is in the news. Maybe it’s just being aware … maybe I am “in-tune” … or maybe I do have some sort of sensory whatever … I don’t know. But, what I do know is that it happens a lot. As in … A LOT.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a word gal. (Hence these blog posts! So wordy!) Did I want to play Monopoly as a kid (or now)? Nah. But if anyone wants to play Scrabble, I’d be the one waking up from a coma to play along! I like words and sometimes they stick with me. Each year I pick one word that seems fitting and go through the year expanding on that word … a theme of sorts.

So, last weekend and earlier this week I was trying to come up with my word for the year. And I came up with some good ones to chose from but, no matter how hard I tried to dismiss it, the word CHAOS kept bobbing to the surface of my thoughts. I couldn’t get rid of it. And then yesterday happened.

And here we are. I’ve lost some friends over this administration. They think their political leanings are fine/right/even spiritually backed. I can’t go there. If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know that I think Trump is a disaster of a human being and should never have been given this office. He has disgraced it before he was even first elected. And for people, after all this time with him in office, to still think that he has the heart and safety of the American people as priority one … I just can’t agree. He is a loathsome, delusional and dangerous oaf and, in my opinion, should be removed from office before you are even reading these words. The safety and sanctity of our country depend on it.

Anyway – where I was going with this is that I feel violated. And that knowing people who support this President, makes me feel like I, and anyone feeling as I do, don’t matter. I know it’s projecting … but it’s all entwined and intermingled and connected. And, it’s painful. As I said before … I don’t like gray areas. I don’t know how anyone can support his baseless lies and his inciting violence and egregious fawning to supporters and his lunacy and then say they were sad or upset about what happened yesterday. It’s all the same. Either you stand with him – or you don’t. There is no gray here.

So, today, I’m feeling unsettled, disgruntled, sickened and hurt. Perhaps sometime in a past life (if we have those), I was a Patriot or held some office or worked in the doings of some past administration. Or maybe I was an architect or builder who helped construct the buildings in D.C. because I feel an inordinate connection to those structures. When I saw people scaling the walls of the Capitol and breaking those beautiful windows and stealing things from the offices, I felt physically ill. I don’t think that is normal. Yes, it was horrifying to watch that mayhem but there was a deeper violation. And yes, it was horrible to watch the police being taken over and to see them (wtf) taking selfies with some of the rioters. (I don’t understand all of it. I just know that other protestors, most recently the BLM defenders, were treated vastly differently than what we witnessed yesterday.) … and the whole scenes of our elected officials crouching/unsure of what was going on and fearing for their lives … and the angry mob making their way into the hallowed halls of our democracy … it was just too unsettling.

I am cooking up dinner … and letting the aroma of the bubbling tomato and cheese concoction in the oven waft over me. Comfort. I’m trying not to watch the news (maybe 5 hours instead of all day). I took a walk. I went to the post office. I checked in on a neighbor. I’m calmer but I need another focus.

So, today I’m working on my new word for the year. No, it’s not chaos … as much as that has been stuck in my brain … but preserve. 

It’s a good word. It reminds me of Smuckers commercials and jelly jars of the Flintstones. It also conjures up memories of the days I’d go walking the forest preserves with my dad while mom cooked Sunday dinner. It also reminds me that we need to be responsible for this planet we live on and do our part to protect it. It’s goodness and calm and peace and responsibility all wrapped up in one word.

So, I will go forward into 2021 and make it mine.

I read somewhere that in less than 30 years much of our park lands in this country will be gone. I read somewhere else that the giant Gippsland worms of Australia will be goners, too. (Look them up – amazingly intriguing and disgusting at the same time.) Some preservation needs to happen here.

I usually start the New Year, taking stock of what I need to do, what I’d like to accomplish during this new year/this wonderfully clean slate … what I can do to protect or keep, use or  preserve. And that’s how I came up with the word. And also, because I got two small jars of jam over the holidays and was eating jelly on crackers while musing.

Preserve … with that one word, I hope to maybe make a difference in a rain forest (by donating money or not using certain products) … to use up what I have before I think I need MORE … to reuse, redo, repurpose and reduce. I’d like to think that I’ll preserve some memories while making new ones. And that somehow I’ll find peace during this on-going Covid lifestyle that we will be in for many more months and preserve my sanity.

But that word also brings me back to the chaos of yesterday. Every person of the Senate and the House … along with the President and the Vice-President have been sworn in and vowed, under oath, to the best of their ability, to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America.

Yesterday, our democracy felt the impact of people who lied and betrayed that oath. We need to do whatever we can to help get this country back on her feet. Maybe it’s contacting your senators. Maybe it’s having a hard conversation with someone whose view is different than your own. Maybe it’s one small act of kindness to another.

I would hope to think that if we all find a word that we can use this year … that it leads us to a better place by the end of it. One step at a time to be a better person. One something done to make a difference to someone or some thing. One more candle lit in the darkness.

I want to believe that would be helpful … because it’s so much better than chaos.

January 4, 2021 … Monday (before noon/still in pjs/raining)

Bea and I just finished brunch. Her dog bowl is full but she won’t touch it until she’s finished off whatever I’ve been eating. Today was pork sausages and oatmeal. As it is a pork sausage and oatmeal kind of day.

I awoke to the sounds of rain … which in the NW, one would think that is every day in the winter. Not so. While we usually have complete air saturation (everything is drippy/wet/mossy/slippery) … we rarely get a good, solid, nice sounding rain. Today the pitter patter of raindrops coming in from my open window was music to my ears. A light breeze wafted in and I could have sworn it was April.

But, we are not in the midst of spring! It’s early January (happy New Year!) … and 45 degrees. Gray, mizzly, solid rain and twilight days … all before noon are the norm. Hello winter!

Because of covid, it being winter, my general sloth-like quasi-hibernation mood/energy level, and that my schedule has been tremendously freed up due to not working/fewer dogs … on days that I can sleep in, I let myself do just that. I could be Rip Van Winkle’s rival, if allowed.

I am also a dreamer which makes getting up/wanting to wake up more than difficult. I want to see where this is going. I want to finish off this dream/movie I’m in. It’s hard to let a good thing go. I am also one of those that can remember every detail after I wake up and who can rewrite dreams while they are happening. If I don’t like the way it’s going – I just rewind and go another path. It’s great … like a choose your own adventure storybook.

Sometime this morning, after the alarm was silenced and before I dragged myself out (I never pop out! I am NOT a morning person.), I was helping an older woman redecorate her living and dining rooms. I have to say the dining room is as far as I got in this dream – but it was stunning!

I put my xmas decs away over the weekend … leaving a light adornment of pine/cones hanging/draped in my chandelier and small (faux) green-leaved wreaths hanging by black and white checked ribbons in the windows in my dining room. Two of these wreaths are also hanging in the windows of my den. They add a little something. 

I’ve gone a bit more black and white this past year getting a buffalo checked rug in my living room and tying the rooms together with my accent colors of mustard (honey dijon not yellow), olive and aqua. All woodwork and fireplace surround are white. My hard furniture is mahogany or painted black. My soft furnishings are olive, burgundy, taupe or tapestry. I have a lot of brass in my home as well (I like the sparkle) and greenery … it’s very comforting and cozy. The check adds a bit of country flair but grounds the spaces together with the black and brings brightness at the same time, with the white. I have a lot of lamps/and some plants have white lights. In this part of the country, extra light is a good and needed thing.

So, in my dream – I just expanded on that theme but this room turned out so beautifully, I think I’ll draw it up later and save it before I forget. Side note … when I was in 4th grade I had a dream about my science teacher’s home … her furniture was all made out of pale blue ostrich feathers! That was the first time I realized I dreamt in color.

Back to the dream … the dining room was a rectangular, dirty white berber (horrid option!) carpeted room with ecru walls … one long wall had a fireplace, the other would (later) have an antique sideboard. One of the two shorter walls had two windows with blinds/sheers (with a small wall space between them) and the other short wall had a swinging door leading to the kitchen (off to the side). The rectangular dining table ran parallel to the long walls in the middle of the room. Pretty normal/typical/boring dining room – except for maybe the fireplace.

Anyway, I must have had my new black and white palette on the brain as I redid this “dream” dining room. The long wall without the fireplace was painted a deep charcoal. If I wanted a statement wall – I succeeded because it made quite the statement! Mushroom taupe was the rest of the room with all white trim and brass fixtures. The chandelier over the table was a long waterfall piece of brass and crystal … classic but with a touch of whimsy. The carpets were pulled up and (of course, only in dreams) the underlying wood flooring was in perfect condition. Nothing that a little buffing wouldn’t enhance it to extraordinary in all its walnut glory (no yellow here!). The windows were stripped of their blinds and sheers and replaced with brass rods and swags of black fabric with rolled edges of black and white plaid. The table was antique white, with two of the upholstered chairs in the matching black and white plaid from the draperies and the other four side chairs being all black. They had round backs and graceful lines. The carpet under the table was a beautiful Aubusson black and taupe with a hint of pink in the roses. It was lovely – trust me!

Just before I woke up we were marveling over the carved fireplace surround I acquired … one of light rose-pink alabaster. It was exquisite. I have actually seen one like this (funny where things come from in your dreams) while on a trip to Wisconsin, years ago. I was searching for a small town until I remembered I hated winter and WI would then NOT do … but ended up in some 800 year old woman’s home looking at her rose alabaster fireplace. It was carved with angels and roses and was the most gorgeous thing I think I’ve ever seen. The stone was smooth as silk and gleamed like some Italian sculpted masterpiece. It was breathtakingly beautiful. And I would have stayed and admired it longer if the place hadn’t stunk so badly of decay and urine. (That story is for another time – but a good one.)

Anyway – I woke up laughing at the name of my company: Les Izmor Design (get it? … Les IS MORE?). It was not any better though than another design company name I came up with eons ago … “Ruby Slippers Design (Redo/Reuse/Repurpose) … Because There’s No Place Like Home”. So kitschy!

But, now I have the itch to redo something! The design desire runs deep in me … maybe someday. That’s a gray area in my life … to go down that path or not. Think I’ll wait ’til it’s more black and white.