February 6, 2025 ~ Thursday (the cooler creme filling of a sandwich cookie three days)
Funny where thoughts come from. Alarming, also. My 50th high school reunion is later this year. FIFTY! How the hell did that happen? Where did all those years go? I plan on going and will see people I haven’t seen in … well, fifty years! Crazy!
And, I’m sure that was the basis for an odd dream I had this morning. Yeah – funny where those thoughts come from and how they are all inexplicably tied together … past and present.
When I was in high school (and then in college) I dated a guy who was, as my dad said, “The most handsome kid in school.” And dad was probably right. Or at least this guy was in the Top 5. Handsome, yes – but …
Earlier this morning, I was lying in bed (after having let out the dog and then flopping back down onto it) watching the ceiling fan’s blades in rotation (while wondering if they were going in the correct direction for the season) – and doing some deep breathing – letting my racing heart stop racing.
Mac (my lab) woke me from a deep sleep and said odd dream – hence the racing heart. In the dream, I was in the back seat of a cab – (I suppose I was in my late 20s/30s) – and on my way to a dinner date with my then boyfriend (that old flame). I now don’t recall what I was wearing or where I was meeting him, but my heart was racing. And not racing in a good way with anticipation, excitement, or joy … but with those telltale racing heartbeats that happen when you are on alert, threatened, feeling in danger … wondering if you should heed those gut messages that scream, “Run!”
In said dream I remember thinking that, for whatever reason, I felt like that boyfriend was going to propose and I felt like I was on this out of control trajectory towards my future. But I wasn’t feeling thrilled or excited because I could clearly see my life play out before me … which would be one of deceit and lies, broken promises, disillusionment, and mediocrity.
And, I thought – I deserve better!
And then I woke up … racing heart and all.
Anyway, in real life that old beau and I dated (on and off) for eight years. And all the while the empath in me thought I could fix whatever was broken in him. He didn’t have a good role model growing up – his dad was a complete jerk, quasi mafia, with little ethos and less integrity … a drifter, a grifter, a cheating, slimy sleezebag of a human. Like father like son, I suppose … but surely I (and my love for him) could and would change him. I was up for the challenge! I could save him! He would become my … purpose! I would forego whatever desires and aspirations were mine so as to make him and his life better. So, was my thinking. Oh, the blind eye and insanity of young love!
And then I moved to Colorado, met Tim, and in the span of less than two weeks … I listened to my gut, saw what was my reality, and somehow the heavens opened, all the bells and whistles went off, ducks got in their proverbial rows, the stars aligned … and the rest is history. Tim was the one. Not that long-time on again/off again beau that my gut kept telling me to run from. Weird how things go.
Weirder still is how, at times, we don’t listen to our instincts. Those gut feelings are there for a reason.
And so, there I was this morning, with all those thoughts and dream bits swirling around in the wrinkles of my pink matter … quite like the blades of that fan … and I realized what I was feeling as I was in that dream and as I was awakening. And it wasn’t joy or anticipation, it was …
Trepidation.
Which is the feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen. Otherwise known as apprehension, dread, fearfulness.
And I realized, as I got up to let the dog back in, that this is how I am now currently feeling. It’s been two weeks of astoundingly awful events, months of angst, and ten years of this orange dictator-wanna-be who is now our President – again: a lying pos who continues to make things up, mouth off, talk out of his ass, and go against any and all things/people/rules/decorum – all while being a completely disgusting, lawless, and abhorrent human being.
Every day something new is announced or denounced. Every day something else is demolished and destroyed – whether it is a value, concept, law, department, or program. Every day lives are being changed – damaging some beyond repair – and we are all hanging in the balance. But I don’t even feel like there is balance … it’s just all so unbelievable, incomprehensible, and one-sided. Things are ramping up and I feel that out of control trajectory again. I feel like I’m watching a time-lapse of something rotting. And, it’s not good.
And now my concerns and feelings are showing up in my dreams … making what I’m trying not to give into … making what I’m trying to be aware of but not dwell on … ingrained.
I keep thinking this is how people back in the late 1930s must have been feeling … living their lives, hoping for the best, watching things unfold that were beyond their control and so completely heinous that those things were out of their realm of comprehension of decency and humanity.
I don’t mean to be a downer and I’d love to be Susie Sunshine but I can’t be at the moment. I want to shake everyone and tell them (if they aren’t already) to wake up and listen to their guts. Listen to those messages in their heads that scream, “This is BAD! Run! Do something!” And especially the ones that scream, “WE DESERVE BETTER!”
I hope I’m wrong, but all I’m feeling this morning is … trepidation.