August 24, 2024 ~ Saturday (afternoon/need to go run errands but it’s in the 90s again!)
Patience. According to the Oxford dictionary it means … the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
Uh, yeah. Something, apparently, I didn’t get enough of … or used up along the way. The older I get, the less patient I become. Not a good thing, I admit.
This summer has been a giant lesson in patience for me.
In May, I started on Wegovy – I’m not half sure I’m not poisoning my system with this – but it finally (FIN-ALLY) seems to be working in the weight loss department. Patience, my dear, patience. I’m down 20 lbs but … it’s been four months of supervised starvation (eating less than a toddler most days) and this is not sustainable. I’m nauseous, don’t have any appetite, nothing sounds good to eat except for bagels and cream cheese – things I don’t normally eat so my new diet consists of mostly fats and carbs. Great. Except at least it’s something in me as opposed to not eating anything cuz nothing else sounds remotely appealing or swallow-worthy. And since I’m not eating enough or well, my energy is flagging, and hence I am not walking (or in my case moving much at all), and because of that … I’m not sleeping well. I sleep but it might take me two or three hours to fall asleep. Stupid. And then I’m REALLY impatient. Let’s just say my mood hasn’t been great.
Add in 50 (yes, fifty) days of over 90° and that has just added fuel to the fire. (I’m glad I wasn’t here in 2020 when Denver had 75 days of over 90°! I’m pretty sure I would have died.) I like warmth. Heat is okay but couple it with blazing, searing sun and … nope, can’t do it. This little house retains the heat … I’m pretty sure the insulation is newspaper from 1911 when it was built. The sun bakes the house and the internal temps have been as high as 88° on some hot days … and that’s in the dining room with the blinds down, ac, and fans going. I’ve been living in darkness and closure all summer. Pretty dismal. I also don’t go outside because I’m just not a fan of heat stroke – so, I’ve been caving all summer. I’ve done nothing much more than read (30 books in two months) and I feel like a (well-read) bat!
I’m pretty sure being up in the NW for eight years messed with my internal temperature controls. My body reminds me of my parents’ fights over the thermostat … mom would put it up in the winter and down in the summer and my dad would always be doing the opposite until the other one was too hot or too cold and they’d adjust it again! My body is doing the same thing … but living those eight years in perpetual October for about nine months a year with outside temps ranging from 45-60 degrees … anything outside those numbers is now too cold or too hot. I get impatient with the weather … always upset that it’s too f’g hot cuz well … it’s too f’g HOT!
In June, I had vocal cord surgery … a testament in patience. The Summer of Silence was difficult at best. I wouldn’t recommend it. I still feel like I’ve got a piece of something stuck in my (still sore) throat. Not good. l thought I’d write notes, use gestures, nod … a lot. It would be FINE! But, nope. It was too hard. Too tempting to talk when I was with anyone – so, I found it best to not socialize. This was worse than Covid cuz at least then I could talk to people! The loneliness and isolation were really profound.
The first three weeks were completely silent/NO talking AT ALL. The next month was 95% silence … and I could use my voice to say a few words an hour (but not on the phone). Those words were usually directed at Mac, my lab – who would walk ahead of me and stop – which would send me flying over him or jumping off to the side of him, etc. I couldn’t yell or say anything more than “Keep moving!” “Go!” “Omg – MOVE!” all in a slight husky rasp. What I got from him were worried eyeballs and no cooperation. By late July I was practically good enough with my dismounts over him to be an alternate on USA’s gymnastics team! It’s now the last week of August and I don’t see my doctor for another month … I’ve been cheating more and more (but still not on the phone – it, apparently, is a strain on the voice) … but am still more silent than I ever thought possible. It’s been more trying than I expected … and (nearly) three months has seemed like an eternity. I have absolutely NO patience left with this issue. Zero. None.
The other day I was out running errands and I think I came upon a new record, even for me, in the road rage category. As my mother would tell you (if she could, but she cannot as she is no longer) – I have a potty mouth. I’m not exactly proud that I could make a sailor blush and of my less than creative cuss words … something I need to work on. But, in the course of THREE BLOCKS … I spewed out (in my soft, husky rasp) – more mouthing the words than actually saying them aloud – “Jesus, OMG – will you just DRIVE, GD it – go”, and my usual … “Do you drive much, dumbshit?” (Which by the way, Ted mimicked me when he was JUST starting to talk – some 36 years ago!) I also added in a new one … “For god’s sake go – you lame ass idiot.” Nice. I figured I’d best just go home and forego the errands.
Patience, as you can see, would be a very ironic name for me!
And then it all came full circle.
I was at Walmart the other day (yeah, the “bad” one with the armed security guards and a store in which I’m not sure I want to buy anything but dogfood and then take a shower once home). I was in the checkout line – six deep ahead of me (as they’ve done away with self checkout unless you have FIVE items) – and things were not going well. As in NOT going well or quickly. Someone needed a price check. Someone decided they didn’t need something. Someone else had 14,000 items. The gals at the register traded places. My pint of ice cream melted. By the time the woman in front of me was checking out, I wasn’t in the happiest of moods. I didn’t think checking out would take me an additional half hour.
I put my few things on the belt (more than five) … and waited. Standing there it gave me time to look at the items ahead of me. The woman buying them wore a headscarf and was deeply ebony. I’m not sure she spoke English. She stood there but I could sense a bit of unease or trepidation from her. She had very basic items … beans, rice, rolls, small bottles of gatorade and ensure (made me think maybe she had an older person at home she wanted to get some nutrients/electrolytes into), two white onions, a bag of potatoes. Nothing extravagant … no meat, dairy, paper products, cereal, or snack items that seem to cost a fortune these days. She gave me a sideways look as she put her card into the reader. It was denied. She had a SNAP card – she used that. Whatever was on that card paid for some of her bill. She tried another card. That, too, was denied. She gave me a sideways glance – like apologizing for the delay. I just smiled. I didn’t know what to do? I thought of paying for the rest of her bill … but something in her demeanor made me not do it. Something in the way she looked at me spoke volumes … that she’d rather have to put things back, than suffer the humiliation of having a stranger – albeit meant only in a helping way – assist her in this payment. She found another card and the transaction was completed.
It took a LONG time for her to go through that line. The checkout lady apologized for the delay and asked if I wanted to get a new ice cream. I declined – I’d be careful with this and not let it spill until I could get it in the freezer. I felt lucky I could get it – even if it was melted. My heart felt heavy for that woman ahead of me but also light at the same time. I didn’t lose my patience (as the woman behind me was doing) but I had a bird’s eye view of what unfolded in front of me … the toughness of the situation … the embarrassment … the heartbreak of (almost) not being able to pay for a bag of groceries.
I drove home and didn’t utter an obscenity at the guy who ran the red light or the bicyclist who cut me off (without even noticing he had done so) … as you can see – driving around here sucks!
In any case – it was a huge lesson to me … calm down a bit … don’t be in such a rush or jump on someone else’s case – everyone has a story. Maybe the woman was new to our country trying her best to keep her head above water. Maybe the guy going through the red light was going to the hospital. Maybe the guy on the bike was late for work. Maybe it could have been me trying numerous cards to pay for my one sack of basic groceries.
Patience … is a virtue. Something I need to keep working on. Perhaps we all do.