January 7, 2021 – Thursday (day after the insurrection/coup attempt at our nation’s Capitol)
Unsettled.
My daughter emailed me that last night. That’s how she felt. I couldn’t have agreed with her more. I think a lot of us felt that way. I hope a lot of us felt that way. What happened yesterday was horrifying and disgusting and disgraceful. And in my opinion, anyone still supporting Trump’s false claims of a stolen election is just as culpable as he is for what transpired yesterday in D.C. (and at other locations around the country). I find the whole thing tragic and disturbing.
Today I don’t feel much better. Not a great night’s sleep … not even an iced tea at my elbow and a lasagna in the oven seem to help quell that bile that wants to rise in me. I don’t do well with conflict. I am a rule follower. I don’t like gray areas. I know what is right and wrong. And what happened yesterday, on so many levels, was so wrong. SO wrong.
But, I need to back up from the chaos of yesterday and my jittery nerves of today. I think a deep, calming breath would do us all good. In through the nose, hold, and out. If I do that another 200-300 times, maybe I’ll feel a bit more at peace. Maybe.
I tend to freak myself out. I don’t want to say I’m psychic (I can hardly spell the word) but I’m a forecaster … and even that’s not right. This is how it is: a name or something will pop in my head and another week or so will go by and whatever I was thinking about comes about or is in the news. Maybe it’s just being aware … maybe I am “in-tune” … or maybe I do have some sort of sensory whatever … I don’t know. But, what I do know is that it happens a lot. As in … A LOT.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a word gal. (Hence these blog posts! So wordy!) Did I want to play Monopoly as a kid (or now)? Nah. But if anyone wants to play Scrabble, I’d be the one waking up from a coma to play along! I like words and sometimes they stick with me. Each year I pick one word that seems fitting and go through the year expanding on that word … a theme of sorts.
So, last weekend and earlier this week I was trying to come up with my word for the year. And I came up with some good ones to chose from but, no matter how hard I tried to dismiss it, the word CHAOS kept bobbing to the surface of my thoughts. I couldn’t get rid of it. And then yesterday happened.
And here we are. I’ve lost some friends over this administration. They think their political leanings are fine/right/even spiritually backed. I can’t go there. If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know that I think Trump is a disaster of a human being and should never have been given this office. He has disgraced it before he was even first elected. And for people, after all this time with him in office, to still think that he has the heart and safety of the American people as priority one … I just can’t agree. He is a loathsome, delusional and dangerous oaf and, in my opinion, should be removed from office before you are even reading these words. The safety and sanctity of our country depend on it.
Anyway – where I was going with this is that I feel violated. And that knowing people who support this President, makes me feel like I, and anyone feeling as I do, don’t matter. I know it’s projecting … but it’s all entwined and intermingled and connected. And, it’s painful. As I said before … I don’t like gray areas. I don’t know how anyone can support his baseless lies and his inciting violence and egregious fawning to supporters and his lunacy and then say they were sad or upset about what happened yesterday. It’s all the same. Either you stand with him – or you don’t. There is no gray here.
So, today, I’m feeling unsettled, disgruntled, sickened and hurt. Perhaps sometime in a past life (if we have those), I was a Patriot or held some office or worked in the doings of some past administration. Or maybe I was an architect or builder who helped construct the buildings in D.C. because I feel an inordinate connection to those structures. When I saw people scaling the walls of the Capitol and breaking those beautiful windows and stealing things from the offices, I felt physically ill. I don’t think that is normal. Yes, it was horrifying to watch that mayhem but there was a deeper violation. And yes, it was horrible to watch the police being taken over and to see them (wtf) taking selfies with some of the rioters. (I don’t understand all of it. I just know that other protestors, most recently the BLM defenders, were treated vastly differently than what we witnessed yesterday.) … and the whole scenes of our elected officials crouching/unsure of what was going on and fearing for their lives … and the angry mob making their way into the hallowed halls of our democracy … it was just too unsettling.
I am cooking up dinner … and letting the aroma of the bubbling tomato and cheese concoction in the oven waft over me. Comfort. I’m trying not to watch the news (maybe 5 hours instead of all day). I took a walk. I went to the post office. I checked in on a neighbor. I’m calmer but I need another focus.
So, today I’m working on my new word for the year. No, it’s not chaos … as much as that has been stuck in my brain … but preserve.
It’s a good word. It reminds me of Smuckers commercials and jelly jars of the Flintstones. It also conjures up memories of the days I’d go walking the forest preserves with my dad while mom cooked Sunday dinner. It also reminds me that we need to be responsible for this planet we live on and do our part to protect it. It’s goodness and calm and peace and responsibility all wrapped up in one word.
So, I will go forward into 2021 and make it mine.
I read somewhere that in less than 30 years much of our park lands in this country will be gone. I read somewhere else that the giant Gippsland worms of Australia will be goners, too. (Look them up – amazingly intriguing and disgusting at the same time.) Some preservation needs to happen here.
I usually start the New Year, taking stock of what I need to do, what I’d like to accomplish during this new year/this wonderfully clean slate … what I can do to protect or keep, use or preserve. And that’s how I came up with the word. And also, because I got two small jars of jam over the holidays and was eating jelly on crackers while musing.
Preserve … with that one word, I hope to maybe make a difference in a rain forest (by donating money or not using certain products) … to use up what I have before I think I need MORE … to reuse, redo, repurpose and reduce. I’d like to think that I’ll preserve some memories while making new ones. And that somehow I’ll find peace during this on-going Covid lifestyle that we will be in for many more months and preserve my sanity.
But that word also brings me back to the chaos of yesterday. Every person of the Senate and the House … along with the President and the Vice-President have been sworn in and vowed, under oath, to the best of their ability, to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America.
Yesterday, our democracy felt the impact of people who lied and betrayed that oath. We need to do whatever we can to help get this country back on her feet. Maybe it’s contacting your senators. Maybe it’s having a hard conversation with someone whose view is different than your own. Maybe it’s one small act of kindness to another.
I would hope to think that if we all find a word that we can use this year … that it leads us to a better place by the end of it. One step at a time to be a better person. One something done to make a difference to someone or some thing. One more candle lit in the darkness.
I want to believe that would be helpful … because it’s so much better than chaos.