Day 315
In light of the recent tragedy I thought I’d go completely in the opposite direction of emotion and throw out something humorous … if for no other reason, than to relieve, for a bit, the heartbreak we all feel.
This is a revamped oldie but goodie …
Martha Stewart’s Holiday To-Do List …
December 1st: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as sleigh to hold holiday cards.
2nd: Have Vienna Boys Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machines/in all 5 houses.
3rd: Collect pinecones, twigs, nuts and berries from acreage on property and make wreaths for community neighbors.
4th: Email family Christmas letter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
5th: Pick nutmeg and grate. Collect eggs from henhouse and make homemade eggnog.
6th: Take pig out and find truffles. Make infused oil for gifts.
7th: Check on order for 1 partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, and 2 french hens (oh, make that 3 – they are so tasty).
8th: Add jingle bells and bows to all the dogs’ collars.
9th: Collect dentures. Use as pastry cutters and for adding decorative edges to pie crusts and cookies.
10th: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
11th: Replace air in the tires on the Lexus and Mercedes with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires blow out.
12th: Adjust legs of chairs in dining hall so each holiday dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his assigned seat.
13th: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add festive sparkle to pasture.
14th: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
15th: Float votive candles in toilets.
16th: Dig moat around house and fill with glitter.
17th: Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
18th: If seeding doesn’t work make artificial snow. Spray house and entire property.
19th: Do annual good deed – take homemade potpourri to all my inmate friends.
20th: Build snowman in likeness of God – or myself.
21st: Have all solar panels repositioned for best sun exposure.
22nd: Write new music for 12 drummers and 11 pipers – it’s outdated.
23rd: Build goose pen. Move 7 swans and 6 geese to it.
24th: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with hand-cut pine boughs.
25th: Make dinner and clean up house and have 100 guests for dinner and do all by myself because I gave the servants time off to be with their families. Only joking – have servants make dinner, clean house and serve 100 guests.
26th: Appraise 5 gold rings.
27th: Call security to remove the 10 leaping lords and the 9 dancing ladies.
28th: Dust and turn all bottles in wine cellars. Sample at will.
29th: Design make-up mirror to look like ball in Times Square.
30th: Make resolutions. Vow to be more organized.
31st: Get in jet and welcome in new year in all time zones around the world.
Hmmm … this list is eerily similar to mine! Happy Holidays!!!!