February 27, 2025 ~ Thursday (late/actually Friday/warm and sunny day/dark night)
I am antsy. I haven’t written in a while and I guess this is how runners feel when they haven’t run for a bit … out of sorts, needing air, needing to get the jitters out. It’s weird. This body surely would look better if I was a runner rather than a writer!
I am back from a week in Washington (state not DC) … on the island/mainland … seeing friends and reveling in the greenness that is the Pacific Northwest. The Pacific NorthWET is more accurate. I did have a couple of dry days (shocking!) but there were high winds and very soggy times, too. Typical. At least I missed the foot of snow that dropped in Denver!
But, I’m tired and I need a vacay from my vacay. I am not used to talking so much! And, it was a bittersweet trip as I said goodbye to the island – not sure when/if I’ll be back. Said goodbye to some friends who will be moving along – in one way or another – location/passing on. Sigh. I tried not to think about any of it too much.
And yet along the way, somewhere between the tall whispering pines and wet wavering ferns and various levels of dew/moisture, I had a sense of …
Resignation.
And, I’m not talking about the (forced) political ones that are/keep happening (tragic on all accounts) … but more the personal realization of … oh-so-many things.
Resignation … an act of retiring or giving up a position or the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable.
I came to the realization (and resignation) that I won’t live on that island again – or in the PNW, either. Not that I really want to … it’s just the coming to terms that I won’t.
I also had time to think while driving to/from said friends and places that I wanted to visit/see … and maybe it was the weather (or another upcoming birthday) that prompted my thinking so wistfully … but I came to terms with well … a lot.
The resignation that …
I won’t be 25 again. Even if I meet someone and fall in love and share some of our lives together – I will never have that “growing up” time with someone ever again.
I also won’t be 45 (or 55) again. Which from where I am sitting seems a LOT younger than what I am today! Where did the time go? That is always a question I will ask! And with that comes the smarting smack of reality and mortality. A bit daunting to know that there is much more life behind me than ahead … and again, the time goes so fast! I’d better get busy!
I resigned myself that I won’t be able to do any gymnastics feat ever again. I’d love to – as I loved the feel of that power/strength/rush of a floor ex run … but I’ll be lucky to limber up enough to place the palms of my hands flat on the floor. Well, not my left hand – that’ll never be flat due to a fall in gymnastics in high school. It’ll never bend to 90° – unless I break it again! I wish I had used my body more/better … but brokenness deters the spirit. At least for me/at times.
And that made me think of my Dad … and how I am glad (well, not glad but thankful) that he died when he did … still able-bodied/intelligent beyond normal brain power/capable. He would have never resigned to old-age or a failing body. Death can be a strange blessing.
I resigned myself the fact that some people are only capable of going so far or doing so much or opening their minds (at all). And sometimes (most times) it’s a disappointment to me. But, I have to come to terms with that is how it is/how they are … an “it is what it is” sort of thing … and live with that knowledge (and be okay with it – as much as I can be).
I’ve also resigned myself to knowing I’ll never have hair like someone on a shampoo commercial or the body of a goddess … those days are long gone unless I wear a wig and amputate.
I also won’t win an EGOT … never really had the chance/skills/talent, but when you’re younger all things seem possible. Reality again.
I also resigned myself to the facts that I’ll never run the length of a football field (could I ever?) … my knees can barely get me around as it is/no running! I’ll never be a country singer or a live stage actor (can’t carry a tune/stage fright). I would have loved to be a public speaker, an anthropological or medical researcher, and good dancer. I guess I could still do the public speaking but the researching and dancing don’t sound feasible – more resignations.
And just when I was thinking there are a LOT (oh-so-many) things I won’t/can’t/shouldn’t be doing in the future … I resigned myself to the fact that that’s okay. It really is. I can’t do it all – and I should just do what I really want to do going forward. Shouldn’t we all – no matter our age? (So, skydiving is still on the plate!)
And in thinking about all those things, I thought that there are things that I thought I probably would NOT do in the future – but there’s really no reason why I couldn’t still (be a great cook/do stand up comedy/help others do/learn – something/have a pug farm/host bees) – it’s just a matter of making those things a priority or dreaming those dreams and then taking the steps to achieve them.
I’ve resigned myself that it’s okay to resign some things …but not every thing. Not everything is still possible – but some things ARE! My possibilities are no longer endless … but I’ve still got some new dreams forming … and old ones just waiting for the right time to come to fruition. I’ve resigned and given myself the permission to let go of some things – to make my load lighter – to make my life easier … while also planning on how to make those dreams happen.
Resignation – it’s not always a bad thing.