December 18, 2024 (Wednesday/early morning)
Grief … I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Grief and the grieving process. I don’t dwell on it … it is just one of those things that pops into my head (and heart) from time to time – especially at this time of year. Especially this year.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday – we’ve known each other for over 30 years. A lot of life happened in that time. She lost her husband this past summer. It is her first “round” of holidays without him. We held hands across the table and she said not a day has gone by that she hasn’t cried about him … it has been 5 months. My eyes teared up as I know her pain/her heartache as it’s been 18 years and I still cry over my husband. Not all the time, but I can’t look at his picture without feeling as if a dagger were going through my heart. We lost him when he was 52 … he would have been 71 next week. Sigh. A lot of life has gone by without him. A lot.
Do I grieve those I’ve lost? Absolutely. Am I sad? Sometimes, but it’s more of a nostalgic feeling of melancholy (wistful longing) than true sadness. Do I carry grief with me? Every day. Is that weird or abnormal? I tend to think not.
After all – grief is complicated.
My mom passed away a year ago today. I will light a little remembrance candle later for her and try to conjure up some nice memories. But, do I cry about her? No. Do I miss her? Um, not really. Do I feel guilty about all of that? You bet I do. She rarely (ever?) showed much emotion … and our relationship was never what I hoped it would have been. I wonder if that ties in with how I feel. I moved back here and was with her for the last 19 months of her life. The last year of it was not good. The last six months, REALLY not good. The last few days, really pathetic and so very awful. Aging alters personalities. She was just shy of 95 when she passed … was in pain, didn’t want to be “here”, and made sure my sister and I knew that. It was hard to hear. She was hard to be with. In between the very few “good” times of conversation and memories, she was argumentative and stubborn. Beyond stubborn and beyond reason ~ making whatever patience either of us had … worn thin. By the time mom left us – we were depleted. It’s tough to grieve someone who made your life so miserable – and her own, in the process. She was demanding, unhappy, (mostly) unappreciative (at least to us), and just sooo damn stubborn/making everything we did or needed to do – SO hard … and yet, she was my mom. I loved her and she loved us all – in her own ways. I just hope someday I miss her. I just don’t – yet – and it’s a weird thing.
Grief … is weird.
I remember the week after Tim died … I drove to Target and sat in my car in the parking lot while I fished in my purse for some lip gloss. I wanted to put some on – just in case I saw him in the store, I wanted to look pretty. Um, did you catch the timing of this – a week AFTER he died. It took less than a nanosecond of sane thinking for me to realize what I was doing. What the hell was WRONG with me? I never saw him in any store in the 27 years we were together … why on Earth would I think I’d see him in a Target a week after he died? Yeah – grief is weird.
I’m about 80% done with the grief journal/guidebook I am writing. It’s taken me a LONG time to write this. Mostly, because I put it on the back burner for a million years … and then when I started compiling it, I could only work on it bits at a time because … however difficult grief is to experience and live with – it’s also difficult to write about. Everything floods back when you are recounting stories or dispensing advice (along the lines of “do as I say – not as I did”). I am a remedial griever.
When my first dog (a blonde cocker, named Moonie) died on the operating table while having a uterine cyst removed (she was septic but we didn’t realize it) … I was devastated. She was my first “baby”. It took me seven years (yes – 7!) to not cry about her when I talked about her. I’m not good with death or the finality of it. I just don’t like it. Grieving is a tough thing for me; it’s like a whirlpool – I just go around and around and around. But, I’m getting better at it. I’ve learned a lot over the years … but yeah, I’m a slow learner.
My dad died six years ago … the day after his 90th birthday. He left a huge hole in our hearts. His passing was unexpected and so sudden. We’d celebrated the night of his birthday and he drifted off from us while napping the next day. He was more fit than almost everyone else in the family – so, yeah, totally unexpected. I miss him. I miss his stories. I miss his interest, intelligence, and stupid jokes. I miss that he was what polar bears would consider a great treat … crunchy on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside. I laughed as I typed that – he would have loved that analogy.
See? I’m learning – not all grieving is bad or heartbreaking.
I know of eight people who died this spring/summer and I lost two good friends this year ~ one to death, the other to just drifting away. Grief encompasses all loss. It’s a package deal – loss/grief. Unfortunately we rarely have one without the other. Whatever the loss may be – grief tags along and is part of it all. It’s like a rotten BOGO. We can’t ignore it (believe me, I’ve tried) … and it’s something we just have to work through/come to terms with/live with. And, as similar as it is for all of us – it’s also completely different and personal for everyone … with different intensities and time frames for each of us. Yeah – did I mention that it’s complicated?
We all have someone or something we are grieving – maybe not actively all the time – but perhaps only now, at this time of year. Over time we carry grief with us … in some form … for that special pet, beloved friend or family member, a withered marriage, friendship, career path or ability (I can go on and on but you get the picture) and that grief might just be under the surface – there, but not bubbling. But it seems that during the holidays (because they only come once a year) grief surfaces and it gets stirred up in us – because of memories, events, music (all trigger factors) and it can be exhausting, frustrating, and/or overwhelming. If you are feeling this – take a step back and take a few deep breaths. The holidays are tough when you miss someone or something – even if it’s from long ago.
As the new year is in our sights and the year comes to an end … remember to share your memories – even if it’s with yourself – as they will light your way forward. I like to think that there is a little sieve area in our hearts … where we keep our losses. Eventually, the bad memories sift through and only the happy ones remain so that we’ll only carry the good with us. It may sound corny but – it’s comforting.
Just remember that grief is like arthritis … it’ll flare up from time to time (usually without warning) but (if you haven’t already) you’ll learn how to deal with it/live with it/manage it. I don’t believe that grieving truly ends ~ it just morphs into something else more manageable.
After all, grief is complicated.