September 4, 2021 ~ early Saturday morning (flanked by dogs/in bed)
Warning: don’t read this while eating!
It’s early (for me) on this Saturday morning. The sun has barely appeared in the eastern sky and the fan is drawing cool air into my room/wafting over me and critters. I don’t want to get up but I need to get these words out. I don’t usually write from bed – but today that is warranted. I’ve got six dogs here and I’m flanked by three of them – all nestled, somehow, under or atop my comforters and bed linens and it’s just too cozy to get out of this cocoon of dog warmth and yumness. Everyone’s been out – even the blind/deaf one. On my way back from the yard, I grabbed my laptop as we all jumped back into bed. Ahh … so nice!
So – here I am … amidst snoring dogs and coziness thinking about … poop.
Yeah, me … the one who can barely muster the verbalization of the word without gagging. I didn’t go into the medical field because well, I just can’t handle body fluids. Of any kind. Spit, pee, poop, blood, vomit, pus (ugh) … NO. CAN. DO.
Or as what is on my mind today … NO. CAN. DOO-DOO.
I love dogs. I do; but when you take care of a whole herd of them – there isn’t much to be said about all of their “leavings” except … what a load of crap!
In my opinion, it’s the worst part of owning an animal … definitely the worst part of taking care of other people’s fur babies. But, as with all living things … they ingest and ultimately, they have to get rid of that intake. We all do. So, why does it always sound so awful and why is it such a taboo topic?
Maybe cuz it’s just gross! Honestly, I hate it. I hate thinking about it. I hate talking about it. I hate picking up the yard. It’s disgusting. But, every living thing does this process. I just wish we could come up with a better term for it. (I am a wordie, after all – one would think I could come up with some nicer word for it!)
When my kids were little, potty-training was the bane of my existence. Truly. If there was ever an “accident” – I’d throw out the underpants instead of washing them out. If it was worse … the whole ensemble went into the garbage, too. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to deal with that … well … crap!
As people age they seem to get more comfortable in the topic of all things poop related. My grandfather said 17 words to me (well, so it seemed) in the time we shared air on this Earth … but he had NO problem and was never tongue-tied about his daily doings. (I could almost throw up now thinking about it – but that would be another body fluid I can’t tolerate!) We’d be at the Sunday dinner table – the table heavy with dishes/a feast fit for royalty (Grandma had been cooking all day) and out of the blue Grandpa would say, “Buck, I had a BM today.” Gee – thanks for sharing Grandpa, and please pass the mashed potatoes. UGH.
My dad never spoke of his own personal eliminations (sounds like a game or reality show happening – who gets eliminated on tonight’s episode?). But the man used that one cuss word freely. Maybe a few damns or hells along the way – but mostly dad was a crap man. (And maybe that’s why I’m thinking about this now – this week it’ll be three years since his passing and since I last heard him utter … “That’s a load of crap!” Sigh.)
My mom (sorry mom) throws around the words “bowel movements” as easily as if we’re talking about what’s on TV or the day’s weather forecast. I’d rather be talking of puppies, my kids, or flower-filled meadows instead. I can’t stand it. (My sister is equally squeamish and hears this all much more than I do.)
And, maybe it is an age thing … cuz here I am … sitting in bed, thinking about all things poop and WRITING about them. WTF?! All of a sudden I feel I’ve turned a page in the age journal! Not good.
In any case … what got me thinking of this is that this summer has been busy. As in B.U.S.Y. with dogs and feedings and tossing sticks, balls and stuffies and well, all their “leavings”. In July I booked 81 days of daily doggy care. That’s a lot of dogs and meals and well, eliminations. I’m looking at my upcoming month and I’ve got 6-8 dogs here each day for the next week or so. Do (or doo-doo) the math on that one. Ugh. If there was a Poop Van Scoop business here on the island, I would have hired them for these summer months. Truly. My daughter used to hire a service to clean her yard when she had Brutus, her 182 lb. Great Dane/St. Bernard mix. Best $30 spent a month – EVER!
So, here I am, snuggled in thinking about a better word choice for all things poop. I have to because, unfortunately, I have clients/dog owners asking me about their sweet fur babies and their eliminations … which is a hard topic for me … and a better word choice would be easier on me. Too much poop talk could lead to puking – and puking is never a good thing – and on a client would be even worse! I don’t need these gut reactions all the time. (Even though – one would beg to differ as I’m still writing about it!)
What words could I replace for the dreaded crap word? And I’m just talking normal BM’s – not the dreaded “Big D” (diarrhea – which is bad enough but why does it have to be so hard to spell?!).
What else could I use instead of … poop, poo, dung, logs, dump, pile, doo-doo, droppings, leavings, eliminations, bowel movements/BMs, shit, poo-poo, potty, turds, doody, defecation, excrement, scat, waste … (and my all time favorite)… feces?
Sadly, I can’t come up with something less gross. There’s no really good, nice-sounding, prettied-up word for it. When it comes down to it – trying to make it sound any better is really … just a load of crap.