Day 335
Ahhh, snow. Who doesn’t like those first few flakes? The glitter snow that falls from the heavens that transforms the bleak landscape into a sparkling fairyland? Who doesn’t like those big, fat, wet flakes that fall from the skies … the ones that blanket an entire area in the blink of an eye … he ones that stick to your eyelashes … the ones you can actually taste as they melt on your tongue?
I’m not a winter person … but even I like those snows. I love the snowglobe snows … the ones that swirl around or fall straight and adorn every limb and fence railing with lacy whiteness.
And though there is no snow in my forecast I thought I’d share this with you as there may be snow coming your way soon.
This is an altered redo of a story that has been going around for a long time … you may have read it already. I couldn’t find who originally wrote it – but kudos to him! I still find it funny after these many years … and, I know many of us can relate!
Diary of a Mad Snow Shoveler or 30 Days to a Nervous Breakdown –
December 6th … 6:00 pm … it started to SNOW! The first snow of the holiday season, how timely! My wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching huge, soft flakes drift down from the heavens. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic and lovely – we felt like newlyweds again. I LOVE snow!
December 9th … We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a move lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. Did both our driveway and the sidewalks. I’m glad we live on a corner – more to do! This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so got to shovel again. Lucky me! What a perfect life!
December 12th … The sun has melted our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man – but I don’t think he has any idea how much I love snow!
December 14th … Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20! The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. Wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15th … 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a woodstove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly – we aren’t in Alaska, after all!
December 16th … Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass, on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very cruel.
December 17th … Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. Had to pile on the blankets to stay warm. No TV. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try to irritate her. Guess we should’ve bought that woodstove she wanted, but I won’t admit that to HER! God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20th … Electricity back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. MORE shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel but they say they’re too busy playing hockey. Jerks. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snowblower and they are all sold out. They MIGHT get another shipment in March! I think they’re jerks. Bob says I HAVE to shovel or the City will have it done and bill me. I think he’s a jerk.
December 22nd … Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed and dressed again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a snowplow on his truck, for the rest of the winter but he says he’s too busy. I think he is an as*hole.
December 23rd … Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? I don’t have the time – I HAVE TO SHOVEL! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
December 24th … Another 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bi*ch who drives that thing, I’ll drag him through the snow! I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!
December 25th … Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the &*#&$ slop overnight. Snowed in. The idea of more shoveling makes my blood boil! God, I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “Christmas Story” one more time, I’m going to leave her.
December 26th … Still snowed in. Why the hell did we ever move here? It was all HER idea! She’s really getting on my nerves!
December 27th … Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. *&$&^# fantastic!
December 28th … Warmed up to about -5. The snowplow guy is suing me for a million dollars and the wife/bi*ch is driving me crazy!!!!
December 29th … 10 more inches. Will this ever stop? Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. What kind of idiot does he think I am?
December 30th … Roof caved in. The wife went home to her mother. Another 6″ predicted overnight.
December 31st … Good news/bad news. The bad news is … I set fire to what’s left of the house. The good news is … no more shoveling!
January 4th … Happy New Year from the sanitarium. The doctors say I’ve had a “minor” breakdown and that I’ll be released in a week or so as soon as they feel it’s safe to untie me. I’m thinking of moving to Florida.