Day 319
Well, not many of you know it, but I had a boyfriend for a while. Actually, he was kind of a true love if ever there was one. The man was generous to a fault. On the first day of Christmas he told me he would be bringing over gifts for each day. I thought, “Wow … what a catch!”
Um, not so much. The guy turned out to be a real creepster.
On the first day of Christmas he gave me a partridge in a pear tree … at first, I thought it was kind of sweet.
But in looking back I think the man had lost his marbles. Plain and simple. Who gives a partridge as a gift? It’s a bird. They’re messy. They’re noisy. And unless you eat them or get rid of them before they peck your eyes out … they probably will live a long time and are quite the responsibility. And unless you have a decent sized yard to plant that pear tree – that is really a rather inappropriate gift.
And then on the second day he brought over two Turtle Doves. And on the third day it was three French Hens. And the fourth day it was four Colly Birds. What was it with the avian gifts? Had this guy never seen the Hitchcock movie?
It was about this time I was thinking I’d have to break things off.
But then … REDEMPTION! The man comes forward on the fifth day with five gold rings. How sweet! How thoughtful! Okay … the birds can stay. For awhile.
And, well, that was a mistake because it opened up the gates from Hell. I don’t understand the bird-fetish but apparently this guy had a thing for lavish gifts and a real thing for birds. It was just too much.
The man gave bird gifts again on the sixth and seventh days. I mean really – who likes birds this much? Is he Marlin Perkins? This time it was six geese and seven swans. And I tell ya, with that many fowl … p-u, stinkiness! Geese were laying eggs, swans were trying to swim in the bird bath. The French Hens were flying around messing up the lawn. It was a nightmare. And have you ever heard Colly Birds? They are Blackbirds … caw, caw caw! They never shut up.
Day eight rolled around and if he brought another bird, of any variety, I was going to tell him to hit the road. But instead, he brought over eight maids. I thought …”GREAT – they can do a thorough cleaning of the house.” But none of them had dusters and he said they were “Maids a’Milking”. I’m not sure what they were milking because I don’t have any cows or goats … and I’m pretty sure they weren’t lactating. I was just very confused with this gift. They all seemed nice enough but it was just kind of weird.
Day nine came and my true love gave to me nine ladies dancing. Yep – there they were on my doorstep in tutus and tights. It was an odd but nice gift. The house is kind of small so I had them out on the patio … performing Swan Lake. I thought they were pretty good … and the neighbors and swans seemed to like it, too.
Day ten and lover boy brought over ten guys. He said they were “Lords a’Leaping” whatever that is supposed to mean. But they actually were leaping. Like frogs. They were amazing but honestly, they were landing in the bird poop and bothering the maids and it was getting pretty weird out in the yard with all those people and birds … too much leaping, dancing and squawking.
On the eleventh day, my honey brought over a bunch of pipers. Eleven of them. I’m really not one for bagpipes or flute music or recorders and they were piping all over the place. Some people might have liked it – but the dogs got to barking and it was really quite obnoxious. Enough already.
By this time I was beyond begging the soon-to-be former beau to stop with the gifts. But he just wouldn’t hear of it. Sigh.
The twelfth day finally arrived as I was really tired of entertaining all these extra people and having to deal with all the squawking and the smell! My food bill was astronomical and I had to keep going to the store to get bird seed and toilet paper.
Anyway, on that fateful twelfth day, the ex-boyfriend brought over a band of drummers. Twelve of them … drumming like maniacs. I love drum music but with the pipers and those weird lords leaping everywhere and the ladies dancing and the maids flirting with the guys and all those damn birds … I’d had it. (And, actually, I think those “maids” were Playmates. I never saw them dust or milk anything in the four days they were here!)
I told the guy we were through. He wouldn’t hear of it – so I called the cops. I have a restraining order on him and he and his entourage (and the birds) can’t come within 500 feet of me.
Things are finally getting back to normal here.
Oh, and there is one bright spot. I kept those gold rings … with the price of gold these days – they are worth a fortune!