Day 283
Later this week will mark the one year anniversary of my book being published.
148 Days ~ A Journey of Love and Loss took me nearly 3 years to compile. It was written during Tim’s cancer journey but compiled from emails and notes, quotes and diary entries well after his passing.
I wrote to inform. I compiled to heal.
It seems weird to think that it’s been six years since his death and one year since the book was sent off to press.
Time flies.
Whether or not you’re having fun.
And as much as I hate to say it or openly admit or even acknowledge … cancer has taught me a great deal.
Unfortunately, that education came at a very dear price.
With its highs and lows cancer taught me what the face of deep compassion looks like … and that of loyalty and love and friendship.
I now know, first-hand, how difficult and shattering heartbreak is. I also know that a broken heart doesn’t mend overnight … or in a year … or in five. That mending is an ongoing process that has advances and set-backs and is similar for all of us but at the same time, completely different.
I’ve learned that grief knows no pattern or time frame. And I’ve learned that the kindness of strangers is as powerful as that of a good friend.
I’ve learned that saying something is better than not saying something at all … even if it’s weak or fumbled. I’ve learned that lasagna and lemon bars taste fantastic at 3am.
I’ve learned that hugs sent via email are just as welcome as they are in person … sometimes more.
I’ve learned that everyone has a story. No one is left unscathed. Everyone bears a scar somewhere.
I also learned that the ones who are left behind to survive – do so. Life goes on – whether you’re ready or not. So, hold on. Tightly.
I also learned that I am not unique … there are too of us who have had our lives changed because of this disease.
And, I’ve learned, too, that cancer has no mercy. It doesn’t care if you are loved and have a family or that your husband is a good guy.
And that along the way you just have to … let it go … or it’ll eat you alive.
I’ve learned that life is short. Sometimes too short. And every day I try, though I outwardly grumble and moan, to count my blessings and be grateful for what is. To be open to the lessons thrust upon me and to try to leave the day behind a bit better than when it started.
And, more than anything I’ve learned that my plan is nothing compared to THE PLAN – whatever or whomever is responsible for that. And that in order to keep myself sane I have to believe that out of bad, good will follow. Out of pain and sorrow, enlightenment and happiness will come forward. And that there is always a reason for what happens. We don’t have to like things – but life is easier if we accept them. After all, it is what it is.
This is what I’ve learned.