Day 20
I am sleeping. Well, not at this moment – wouldn’t that be a trick! But, at night, I am sleeping! Sleeping like a baby! Well, not sleeping like any baby I’ve ever had – my kids didn’t sleep through the night until after their second birthdays – so, I guess I’m sleeping like a toddler. Or a teen-aged boy with a growth spurt. Or a college student on a Sunday. Or someone with supreme jet lag. In any case – you get the picture … I am sleeping!
Now you are probably thinking, “Big deal. What’s the fuss?” The fuss is that I don’t sleep. Well, not never sleep … I just don’t sleep well! For the past (almost) 6 years I have not been sleeping well.
And that is not a good thing – lack of sleep. I go through my days in a fog. I get out of the shower and don’t remember being IN the shower. (Yeah, there we are again … in the shower.) Sleep is good. Not sleeping – not so good.
When Tim was sick, I’d be up late at night researching our treatment options or avoiding going to bed so I wouldn’t lie next to him and cry about what was going on and what was to be. And when I finally slept it was only for a few hours.
After he died I’d avoid going to bed until I was thoroughly exhausted – sometime after 3:00 in the morning. I was like one of the zombies out of The Night of the Living Dead. I couldn’t bear the thought of that big bed without him in it. Even with the animals (taking up most of the room on the bed) it was achingly empty. I’d cry myself to sleep … and then when reality smacked me in the face in the morning … I’d cry myself awake. Not a good sleeping time.
Then there were the years of not being able to turn my brain off … worrying about business, how to keep us afloat, what to do, how to do it. I’d go to bed early begging for the escape of dreams and would still be lying there, awake, hearing the clock chiming the hours away … 2:00, 3:00, 4:00. I was a mess.
And for the last year or so I’ve been that rotisserie chicken – turning round and round and round all night – due to back fractures and sciatica. I just couldn’t get comfortable. The only position was on my stomach – the only position (if I could get into it without scaring the dogs off the bed) that didn’t cause lightning bolts of pain spiking through my back and legs. The only position that didn’t cause back spasms to grip my lower back and take my breath away. And if I moved an inch – the bolts and spasms would start. So – yeah, not so much of a good night’s sleep during this time, either.
And then last week I changed out my comforter. I had a well-worn, pretty flattened, down comforter on my bed for years. Cozy, pretty, but maybe past its prime. I had purchased a down-alternative comforter for Ted’s bed over the holidays and decided to put that on my bed one night as I had washed mine and it wasn’t dry yet. It’s puffy, it’s light yet super cozy, the dogs and I get lost in its plumpness. It’s comfy and comforting … and omg … it’s a COMFORTER! (Light bulb moment!) I get it! I am comforted!
I am thinking that soon (very soon) the menopausal night problems will creep into my bedroom and cause me discomfort at night. But for right now with the dogs and me all snuggled in and the window open 5″ (regardless of the weather) and this cozy, comforting, non-sneeze inducing, pile of luxurious comfort all around me … I am sleeping!