Day 254
I hate good-byes. I am a big softie. I cry at Hallmark commercials and those ones at the holidays when the son comes home in the middle of the night and wakes everyone up by making coffee. When those things come on TV you’ll find me standing in my kitchen crying my eyes out.
Basically, I am a Twinkie with legs … spongy and soft on the outside and really soft and gooey on the inside.
Sigh.
And when it comes to good-byes, I am a crier. A major weeper. I turn into a blithering mess of tears at the drop of a hat. I cry at good-byes, at deaths of people and pets. I even cried when our tadpoles died! What can I say?
So, here I am, the night before I am to leave, again, back to Chicago and the thought of having to say good-bye to Sam and not seeing her or my friends again for who knows how long makes me nearly physically ill.
Internally I am a mess.
I am not one who is meant to be away from her close friends – let alone from her children. I thought this move was a good thing … and yet, every day, I wonder as I’m not so sure.
All those years when Ted was out east at school, I had some diversions (namely Sam and Tim) and friends and pets to keep my mind off of missing him. Knowing he was fine and thriving didn’t help one bit – that wasn’t the problem. The problem was ME. I just missed him. I started missing him the January of his junior year of high school. I realized that he’d be going off to college and the crying over his leaving started 18 months before he actually stepped foot into his dorm room. All these years since – Turkey, Tahoe, Michigan, and now Seattle – haven’t eased the separation sorrow I feel. I am used to it, more or less, but it doesn’t mean I like it.
Sam went off to school the month after Tim died. A tough time for all of us … too many changes and emotions to deal with anyway and then throw in her going to the west coast for school into the scenario and forget it – nary a dry eye to be found under my roof for quite some time. I came home from dropping her off to a very empty house. She moved back the next semester and it’s been nice these years since having her around. And now, since my move, that emptiness I felt being away from her has crept back into my life. I don’t like it.
In any case … I am leaving tomorrow and dreading the good-byes I will have to make … and am thinking how I can see this in a different light. But I’m not coming up with anything. I not only love my children and friends … I like them. Sometimes I think that is more important … and makes the good-bye saying even harder. Get out the kleenex!